Flaws and Errors
by TwinDoomsday
Summary: This is what happens when a famous, and previously dead Spectre, a biological machine soldier, and an alien troll with mutant blood are roped into reading bad literature by some mysterious possibly omnipotent being.
1. Story One: Gothic Eternity

**First to explain why this story is in the Harry Potter section. It is in here because the first chapters are Harry Potter. Once I do a non Harry Potter story then I will move this from the Harry Potter section.**

**This is a series where we review bad fanfictions. I would like for readers to help me in where you can suggest trollfics to me to review. Also since the way this series is projected, you the readers are technically the 'viewers' and are watching the characters. They are aware that you will be reading, or in their world, watching them so if you want to send them comments or shit like that, go ahead.**

**This series can also be found on Tumblr under the blog Flaws and Errors.**

**A note before you read this, here is the link to the original and still updating story: www. fanfiction s/9383219/1/Welcome-To-The-Black-Parade I do have permission to write the commentary on this story.**

The air was thick and the tension was easy to tell. The two women and teenage boy were all eyeing each other with suspicion, neither knew who the other was and the two women didn't even know what the hell the boy was.

Commander Jane Shepard sighed to herself as she shifted in her seat in the large theater. When she was invited she wasn't told much about what to expect other than her email requesting she go to the strange new theater for some opening film. She considered bringing Garrus with her but the email told her it was for only her. Since she wasn't allowed to bring a friend, suspicion grown from her life of danger called for her to come armed and ready, so she wore her N7 armor and had a heavy pistol with her. Shepard wasn't sure she could get away with her assault rifle.

She had been the first person in the theater and had she not been told to find her assigned seat in the theater, she would have taken the one in the back. Instead she found her seat towards the middle near the front rows. Between two other seats that had different names assigned to them, she didn't recognize either of the languages.

Than the others came, another woman who looked like she was barely twenty, and a kid who was probably sixteen, they looked around for their seats and took them on either side of Shepard.

During the silence, the once-dead Spectre took her chance to examine these two, starting with the teen.

He was short, and from how he was yelling as soon as he got here, Shepard assumed it wasn't only his height that was short but his temper as well. He was definitely not human despite the similarities, but she didn't recognize what species he came from. He had black messy hair and his ears were pointed a little. His skin was a light grey with his eyes sunken in a little and had fangs that didn't quite fit in his mouth as they peaked out from his upper lip and pressed into his lower one, and his eyes were yellow where Shepard's were white and held red irises. Then there was the issue of the candy corn like nubby horns on top of his head.

Despite the how hot it was outside, the boy was wearing a black turtleneck sweater that had the Cancer symbol printed on it in a grey tone that matched his skin.

So far all this alien had done since entering was grumble and yell but had stayed silent after noticing the guns that Shepard and the other woman carried.

That brought her attention to the person to her left.

She was human, at least she looked human. As said before, Shepard doubted she was that old, maybe in hear early twenties at most. She had long black hair that seemed to reach halfway down her back and it was a mess. Smoothed down so it didn't look horrible but the Commander wondered when the last time she just sat down and took a brush to it was. She had ice blue eyes that had a cold stern look to them.

But what had first caught Shepard's attention when she was this woman was her arm, her left arm, instead of being flesh, was metal. Obviously the woman had seen some fights.

She herself was wearing a grey jacket with a sleeve ripped off on her left arm and some kind of uniform shirt that Shepard was going to ask her about later.

Between the two next to her, they seemed like polar opposites, the Alien was angry and loud while the human was silent but Shepard could tell she was forming plans, probably finding escape routes or vantage points should a fight break out.

With a sigh, Shepard took out the envelope that was on a tray attached to the row of seats in front of them. It had been marked as to not to open until all three were present and ready. They didn't seem like they were going to get any more ready for whatever was going to happen. Shepard was having serious doubts about this being an actual movie they were going to watch.

"You guys ready?" she asked.

The boy just glared and muttered something along the lines of 'get on with it' and the woman just nodded.

With a silent prayer that this wasn't the greatest mistake of her life, Shepard opened the letter.

_Welcome everyone; I knew you three would come. You're curiosity or your friend's curiosity would have caused you to come no matter what. I am sure you have all figured out that this isn't really a movie opening, I am sorry you are not about to view the sequel to 50 First Dates or the opening of Omega: The Final War or The Citadel 2._

_Before you start yelling, yes I mean you, Vantas, let me explain what you are here for._

_You three have been chosen, for a variety of reasons, to review Fanfictions, a certain type of Fanfictions known as Trollfics._

_I know it is going to be painful at times but it is your duty as Humans, Alternians, Soldiers, and Leaders to review these._

_As such, before you ask any more questions, each of you is from a different world, this theater will be the only way that you three will ever come in contact with one another. Yes Lieutenant-Commander, it is space between dimensions linked to every kind of reality._

_Now, before you start the review, why not introduce yourselves to each other. Get to know each other for a few minutes before you review._

Shepard put the letter down raising an eyebrow.

"That is a load of hoofbeast shit!" the boy snapped in anger, "Different worlds? What does he think we are? Wrigglers?!"

The other woman shook her head, "It is not logical, if anything I'd say this is a hoax. I do not know what an 'Alternian' is but if my guess is right, I would say you're just the Syringe Child of the DNA of Human and Alkitir," She explained, voice cold and clipped, "And you are obviously human."

The boy made a face, "Syringe Child? Alkitir? The fuck?" he snapped, "I'm a Troll you fuckass!"

"You don't look like a troll, much to small, you have horns, and not nearly enough hair," Shepard said with a grin, she meant to just tease him and be playful but that just caused the troll to start screaming some more. Neither said anything and just let him get it out of his system.

When he quite screaming, the long haired woman shook her head, "I don't trust this, but I suppose we should know the others names," She said slowly and sat straight, as if she weren't already sitting stiff as a board, "I am Lieutenant- Commander 27-3 Tactical Execution formerly of Human Marines, Special Forces currently Special Tactics of Galactic Alliance. Everyone goes to use my names acronyms instead, so if you wish to use the short version, I am Tex."

"So, you're what? A fucking soldier or something?" The boy asked raising an eyebrow.

"Correct."

Shepard gave a friendly smile, "A fellow military woman, I'm not familiar with this 'Galactic Alliance' so maybe our Host is right," She said and nodded, "I'm Commander Jane Shepard of the Normandy, Alliance Marines, Council Spectre," the temptation to add 'Savior of the Citadel', she had been told by her friends that she tended to boast but she'd wait on bragging about beating Saren and the Geth until later.

Both Tex and Shepard looked at the youngest of them and he rolled his eyes.

"What, you want me to say I'm some kind of soldier too? Well I'm not." He muttered.

Tex tilted her head towards him, "Then just tell us who you are, any titles you hold," she stated.

He growled and gave an exaggerated sigh, "Fine! Karkat Vantas, one of the players in sGrub that destroyed my universe, Knight of Blood, never ascended so I don't have any powers. A troll on Alternia."

Shepard nodded, "It's nice to meet you, Karkat," She said.

"Yeah, yeah, let's get fucking moving!"

As though reacting to his orders, the theater started to dim as the screen in front of them lit up.

_I'm glad you have finished with introductions and are ready to start._

"Good timing, almost like this guys knows what we're fucking saying," Karkat said as he slouched in his seat.

_I do know what you're saying, Karkat._

"The fuck?!" He said scrambling up, "How the in the fuck do you know what I'm saying?!"

Tex looked around and shook her head, "Microphones, all around us, hidden, there are probably hidden cameras all around as well."

Karkat threw his hands in the air, "Fuck, great, a spy, you fucking creeper."

_It is not that strange, if I had you three here to review. Why would I not have a way to monitor you three?_

"He has a point," Shepard mused, and Karkat just threw new strings of curses.

_But as I was saying, it is time to start the review._

_The story you will be reviewing is a Harry Potter story formerly known as Eternity Echo Pandora Agatha Shadowcurrently named Welcome to The Black Parade, written by RayneTaraG._

"Wait, why does Tara G sound familiar," Tex said and went silent for a second, "I can't find anything in my memory logs of her but it sounds so familiar."

With a note, Shepard felt that same tug of familiarly towards that name, "Same here," She said.

"The fuck kind of name is that? It's definitely _not_ a troll name, but yeah, it sounds like I've heard it before." Karkat muttered.

"I suppose we'll be finding out soon." Tex responded as the screen went black.

After a minute, the screen went white again and the text started showing.

_this story is about Eternity Echo Pandora Agatha Shadow in hp_

Karkat- The hell kind of name is that?! So this story was formerly named after the fucking main character?!

Shepard- I've heard of strange names, aliens, different cultures, but if this is starring humans. Who in their right mine names someone that? I don't even know where to split it up. Is Eternity the first name with Echo Pandora Agatha the middle name with Shadow the last name?

Tex- I'm not going to say anything on the name as mine is 27-3 Tactical Execution. But isn't hp Health Points? Why abbreviate Harry Potter?

Karkat- Fuck I know I'm not going to like this, it's a Troll Fic, an insult to my species by name. But let's just get on with it!

_no flamez if ur a prep or pser then fuk off! if u hte Tara then u fuk off 2!_

Tex- There are at least nine misspelt words in that one line. There are only twenty words. So far this is 45 percent full of spelling errors.

Shepard- There is that name again, Tara.

Karkat- I don't know who the fuck she is but I already don't like her.

_i went in2 hgwrts 4 da 1st time suicidally._

Karkat- Stop! Just stop!

Karkat- Suicidally? That's not even a fucking word! Hgwrts? What is the school allergic to vowels?

_i gt used 2 my dorm by slitting my wrists. my clened up nd went 2 the grate hall._

Tex- I fail to see how you get used to a room by inflicting pain upon yourself in attempts to kill yourself. Is this some kind of joke?

Shepard- Suicide isn't really something you use to make jokes of Tex. And this is obviously not a joke, don't worry, I don't get why it was placed in here either.

_"this is echo. dumbdore said._

Karkat- Wait so her first name is Echo? Is it human custom to put your first name behind another name?

Shepard- Not normally, some people go by last names, like me. But people normally don't have a full name using six different names so, maybe it's common with super long names.

Tex- I'm going to refrain from commenting.

Karkat- Wait…heh…**Dumb**dore.

_she is cming here frm an american schl in america. she is a 2nd yer"_

Shepard- Joker, we need to get to the Department of Redundancy Department.

_"obsly. i said."_

Tex- I think this is the first time I've agreed with this girl since reading this. The school must not be very intelligent if teachers need to clarify that an American school is in America.

_i put on the sortng hat. it said slitherin i gt my assigned sit next 2 a blnde._

_"im draco malfoy. the goffik blonde said. u bttr nawt b a poser."_

Shepard- Wait, just wait! Since when was Draco a goth?

Karkat- Last I knew, he never was. But what the fuck is a goffik?!

Tex- My assumption is that the author thinks that it is the correct spelling form of Gothic, despite not having any 'f' sounds in it.

Karkat- Fuck.

_"im Eternity Echo Pandora Agatha Shadow. im nt a poser or prep."_

Shepard- I sincerely doubt that. You probably are a poser because everyone at this school is probably a poser if they think they are a Goth.

_a prep came to our tble 2 tlk 2 me._

_"im Harry Potter im in love with u will u mrry me? he said."_

Shepard- No. Just No.

_"no im dting draco!"_

Karkat- No, fuck no.

_"wen did dat hppn? draco asked."_

_"since always duh."_

_"ok." draco said since he was in love with me 2. "ur so hawt." drco said._

_"i kno."_

Tex- I am well aware that I am… lacking in knowledge of romance and intimacy but, that is not how it works. This is her first day, first time meeting Draco, how can they be in love just like that, they knew each other for less than five minutes.

Tex- Harry should not be in love with her, Draco should not be in love with her. This does not make any sense. I know the saying, Saria has told it to me many time that Love does not need to make sense, but this is not what she meant, this isn't right.

Karkat- I agree with you. This is a disgrace to all the true romances out there.

Shepard- I agree with you both, but it's kind of amusing how she's kind of arrogant with that, she could show a little bit of modesty.

_all 4 now i will update soon fellow goffiks just an intro review_

Karkat- that wasn't a review, dumbass.

Tex- I think there was supposed to be a punctuation mark between intro and review.

Karkat- Oh, well, I'm not taking back that dumbass comment.

_y aren't u reviewing!_

Karkat- Probably because it's a piece of shit so far and no one is amused about such idiocy?

_fangs (geddit) 2 my 2 bffs_

Shepard- For what?

_dont flame da sory stupid preps_

Tex- I am sure that the real Gothics are flaming this as well.

_YAY TARA I WANT 2 BE JUST LIKE TARA I EVEN SPELL LIK HER GOFFIK 4EVA_

Shepard- So Tara is who inspired her to write this, if she is spelling just like Tara then well, I am starting to regret destroying the Reapers.

Tex- Really makes you wonder if humanity really deserved to be saved.

_i walked in2 draco's dorm 2 tlk 2 him. we screwed._

Karkat- I don't know whether to be disgusted that she is such a slut that she is going to sleep with a man she just met, or just disgusted that this is still a piece of shit.

Shepard- Why not both?

Tex- Just to make this clear, in Harry Potter, 2nd year students were around twelve years old. These are twelve year olds having sexual interactions. There is just, no words can describe how wrong it is. They aren't even at the legal age to have sex.

_"dat was fun." i said._

Tex- Is not the act of copulation supposed to be fun?

Shepard- I'm starting to get the feeling that you were really repressed growing up to normal non-military things.

_"ya." harry suddenly came in and i covered myself up w/ the blanket cuz i was naked._

Karkat- Sheesh, Harry, learn to knock! You might have been scarred for life by that ugly fucking bitch's naked body!

Tex- Is it bad that I feel no sympathy towards our 'protagonist' and that awkward situation?

Karkat- Fuck no.

_harry was wearing a black MCR t-shirt. he had blak panties_

Shepard- Wait, wait, wait, he's wearing panties? PANTIES?!

Karkat- Bwhahahahahahahha! Oh my god! So Harry is a cross dresser now? Oh my god, he's wearing panties!

Tex- This is…extremely disappointing. So a guy wearing panties is 'goth' or does the author not know that panties are woman's underwear?

Karkat- hahahhaha…gasp….ahhaha…can't…breath..hahah….

Shepard- I think Karkat is laughing himself to death.

Tex- Lucky bastard.

_and blak shoes. da shoes had blodstains on dem. he was wearing red contacts and black eyeliner. his hair was dyed black and his scar was changed in2 a pentagram (geddit lke in MI!)_

Tex- So, he took a knife to his own head to alter his scar. I do have to give him props for having the balls to do it.

_"harry wat r u doing here dis is da gurls dorm and we r busy!" i said._

Shepard- Wait, so Draco lives in the girls dorm?

Tex- Does this mean that according to school papers, Draco is a girl?

Shepard-…in this story, I wouldn't be surprised.

_"i bcame goffik 4 u. wanna screw now?"_

Shepard- Prime example of a teenage boy. No offense Karkat.

Tex-…Karkat?

Shepard- Looks like he passed out from laughing.

Tex- Lucky bastard. Now I'm going to refrain from reminding everyone that these are twelve year olds.

_"no im not dat kind of gurl. get da hell outta here!" harry waked out sueisighdale_

Shepard- Could have fooled me. I mean you did just fuck a guy you just met.

Tex- Sueisighdale? …Um…Commander, what does that word mean? I cannot find any translations.

Shepard- I don't think it's an actual word.

_"better now." draco said. we screwed again._

Shepard- Really? _Really?_

_"lets get burekfast." draco saidl._

Tex- Breakfast I believe you mean.

Shepard- Tex, don't try correcting the spelling, it will take to long.

Tex- Acknowledged.

_"lets go to Da Goffik Bagal Shoppe." I suhgested._

Tex- I am sure that there isn't a Gothic Bagel shop,

_"Sure." there were no empty tables so we took a seat next 2 a goffik gurl._

Shepard- Aren't they at Hogwarts? You can't take a bus to the nearest town. And Is this a new OC?

_"im Eternity." I said._

Tex- Wasn't she Echo in the last chapter? Which does she go by? Echo or Eternity?

Shepard- Both are shitty names.

Tex- I am not going to comment, again note my name.

_"i kno u r so kuwl." she said._

Shepard- Trust me, She isn't cool.

Karkat- ugh….what? who isn't cool?

Tex- You're back. We were just saying how this girl thinks the main character is cool, Shepard disagrees and I agree with Shepard.

Karkat- Fuck, it's not over?!

_"im herman, but ill change it."_

Karkat- of course, these kinds of stories need to turn every main character into a Goth.

_"ill change it 4 u herman." i said. "how about… DARK'NESS!"_

Tex- It doesn't work that way, there are legal requirements needed, I believe you also need to be legally an adult to have your name changed, her name isn't Dark'ness just because of the main character says so.

Shepard- why the fuck is there an apostrophe in the middle? Does she want us to pronounce it differently?

_"ya! im Dark'ness!" (geddit lik Tara."_

Karkat- I think I'm going to vomit.

_DONT FLAME DA SORY PREPS1 FANGS 2 MY GOFFIK FRIENDS AND 2 DA GOOD REVIOWERS. DANKS 2 GOOGGLE TRANSLATE 4 DA HELP WITH LATIN._

Karkat- it's being flamed because it's a peice of nook stained hoofbeast shit.

Shepard- The Latin is probably horrible.

_bye da next week i had made ma group of friends._

Tex- And within the week, I will have shot and killed each and every one of them.

_first was Dark'ness. she used to be named herman but she changed it._

Karkat- Does this person even know how to spell her name? It's Hermione.

_she killed her muggle parents cuz they werent her paents_

Shepard- Isn't this concept used in every Harry Potter troll fic?

Karkat- Not very fucking original.

_her parenmts were 2 werewerolves an herman killed the muggas cuz dey new but dey dindnt teller._

Tex- So what this girl is trying to say is that every adopted child should kill their parents if they didn't tell them?

Shepard- Welp, the author has official turned Hermione into a retard. Who kills their parents because of that?

_dere was also Ron aka Hades. we were very close and i liked his soullessness_

Karkat- Ron? Soullessness? Fuck she's turning all the main characters into Goths and destroying them!

_also Hades' sis Gernney is now Amythest,_

Tex- I do not think these are the Harry Potter characters anymore. It is safe to just see them as OC's. It harbors less risk of destroying your brain.

Shepard- I agree.

_nevel is Tempest._

Karkat- Even Neville? FUCK NOT NEVILLE!

_harry was still a totall poser every1 else couldnt believe they were friends wit him._

Tex- Maybe because…just….I'm not even going to.

_we were in middle of a satanist ritual._

Karkat- What the actual fuck?

Tex- I….just don't.

Shepard- So Goth equals Devil Worshiping posers?

_"Laudamus Satan. Da nobis virtute daemonum. Modo possumus imperare. Placere auxilium Faciamus Gothorum mundi. Nos regnabo." (AN: it means We worship Satan. Give us the power of demons. That way we can control. Please help us make the Gothic world. we shall reign. it's Latin)_

Shepard- Where are the teachers? Why aren't they stopping their students who want to conquer the entire world?

Tex- And This is why I refuse to step foot on Humanity's home planet.

Karkat- This is why I'm never going to go to your shitty planet.

_"Qui reget?" we heerd a big voice say. we all spoke Latin so we knew what he said. (AN: means who will rule?"_

Shepard- It's sad, they know Latin, yet fail at English.

_"Aeternitas fortium dominabitur." we all sad. (Eternity will rule)_

Karkat- Fuck no! Don't let that bitch rule!

Tex- I am starting to form a theory. That Eternity is Satan herself, there is no other logical way why everyone is acting so wrong.

Shepard- Doesn't matter what the theory, Eternity should not rule, she is the worst option for ruler, the Reapers are a better choice to rule then her. And they annihilate entire species, have been for millions of year.

_"Ego tibi dabo potestatem dæmonium." Satan said. (I will give you the power of the devil.)_

_We all felt weird as he gave us the same powers as he._

Karkat- He's not giving you the power of the devil, fucktards! He's just melting you all from the inside because even he can't stand you!

_"Danks Satan!" I said. "Let's go kill preps!"_

_STOP FLAMING DA STORY GO MA IMMORTA_

Shepard- Screaming at your readers isn't going to give you much points.

_MCR ROX_

_DA TITLE HAS BEAN CHANGED 2 Welcome 2 Da Black Parade_

Karkat- Obviously.

_We went 2 da front of da buildang (geddit, dang)_

Tex- I don't get it.

_and i stood there. i did a spell and all da preps and posers died._

Shepard- Again, WHERE ARE THE TEACHERS?! HELLO their students are killing the other students!

_"YAY!1" WE SHOUTED. nOW wE CouLD GET ica CREA,M_

Karkat- Yes, because of after killing a large amount of people who didn't need to die, it's always great to get icy treats afterwards.

_. More imporanly was dat Harry da poser wiyd staph boderin ma. we went inside and i gassssssssped._

Tex- I believe we all can tell what is going to happen.

_It was… H._…-…-…-.-.-.-.-..A…-…-…-…-…-…R …-…-…-…-…-…R…-…-…-…-…Y!11111 111111111111_

_HARRY DA POSER!_

Shepard- Either their spell was fucked up and it didn't work or they forced Harry to be a true 'goffik' and live in misery.

Karkat- Isn't that building going to be full of dead bodies now?

Tex- Do you think the Author is going to remember that?

_(a good place ta stahp but ill continue cuz its short i want 2 plz ma goffik reviowers)_

Tex- No, please don't, you can stop here.

_"i told u i warent a poser," Harry said._

Shepard- The worst mistake of your life, not being a poser right now, Harry.

_I hugged._

Karkat- She hugged a cactus.

_"YEA! U CAN BE DRACULA!"_

Tex- Eternity, you can't just change people's names like that.

_"DRACULA FTW!" Dark'ness said._

_"Should we kill all the preps and poseas or just da ones in hogwarts?" Tempest asked._

Tex- …They should be arrested. They are murderers, should be arrested, tried and executed.

Shepard- Do you think the author would kill off her OC's?

Tex-…No.

_"Duhjust in hogwarts. If everyone is goffik no one is goffik." I said wisely._

Karkat- Wisely? Hah! You have as much wisdom as a barkbeast.

Tex- Though I am reluctant to admit that there is a bit of...well common sense in what she said...I am officially becoming nervous.

_"Ur rite." We went inside an saw a posta for a concert_

_MCR GC EVINESCENE TREE DAYZ GRACE PARAMORE R AT HOGSMEADE IN 5 MINS the posta said._

Shepard- A poster wouldn't say 'five minutes'.

_"LETS GO_

Karkat- -JUMP OFF A CLIFF!

_—-_

_We got ta hogsmeat_

Tex- I was not aware they were on a mission to find pigs meat.

_in 2 mins, 3 mins earlay. I wasa waring ma blak eyelina and white foundaton w/ blooda lips. I was wearing (geedid wear-ring cuz u wear rings) a skull ring (C) black fishnets a MCR TDG GC Evincene Paramor tee. it was fom hot topic an made speciity for da concertiol._

Karkat- Yes because you would have time in five minutes to go to a store, buy clothes, change and make it there.

Shepard- Hot Topic isn't a Wizard Store, so why would it have Wizard clothes?

Tex- Please, Commander, I'm having enough trouble rationalizing this as it is.

_It was a wizad-only concert cuz all the bad members wer wxards. (haha i got 69 wirds)_

Karkat- So, you're a little kid laughing about something immature such as 69? Or because 69 sideways is the symbol for Cancer and this story is a tumor of a fanfiction?

Tex- Either one is likely.

_we litened 2 da muzic now cuz it took 3 mins to describer my grate cltioerhes._

Shepard- Wait…what? There are two different words this could be an attempt at spelling here.

Tex- I just… I don't even know anymore.

_"YA YA GO DA BANDS!" Every1 cried sexily._

Karkat- Um, yeah who says that? And who says something like that 'sexily'? Is everyone trying to turn this into some kind of orgy? Where are the buckets then?

_Draco and I did it during da concert. so did tempest and dracula _

Karkat- Remember when she said she 'wasn't that kind of girl' obviously she is that kind of girl if she's going to have sex at a concert where everyone can see.

Tex- There...Twelve...Years...Old.

_(rent b guys tota hawwwties)_

Tex- Rent B guys?

Shepard- I think she means gay boys or bi boys. I honestly don't approve of her turning guys who are straight into gays in this.

_"OH YEA OH YEA OH YEA OH YEA OH YEA"_

_BREAK AWAY FOM EVERY1 da tree days grace guy said._

Karkat- Just….no.

_"I CANT REMEMBER HIS NAME!" I SAID OVER da MuScdicf_

Tex- Then why even mention it?

Shepard- That is the worst spelling error so far. Congrats.

_"WHATEVS!" WE WERE HI_

Karkat- When did you get high? What is going on?

Shepard- though, if they were high during the entire story, it explains everything.

The lights turned back on and the group shook their heads.

"Just…I don't know anymore, I think I fried part of my brain just trying to process what that story was saying, I didn't understand it at all," Tex muttered, "And considering part of my brain is basically a computer, that's saying a lot."

Shepard stood up and stretched, "That story, it was awful, obviously no effort put in to it, and it was attempting to hold no plot and be bad."

Tex and Karkat both got up, Karkat cracking his back and then his neck, "Though I have to give the author props. She was trying to make a troll fic, and she succeeded. The story was bad, it pissed us all off, and yet we couldn't stop reading it no matter how hard we tried to."

"We didn't exactly have a choice," Tex pointed out.

Karkat shrugged as a response.

"Well it says that it's still being updated, with any luck we don't have to review any more of it," Shepard said and looked at the others, "As for this fanfiction, as a Troll fic, like Karkat, I say it was pretty good. Caused a lot of complaints from us and all of that. But as a serious fanfiction, yeah not so much."

The two looked at Tex, waiting for her to voice her opinion.

She stared back at them with a blank expression.

After a solid minute she gave up, "In all honesty, I don't like it, as a serious fanfiction or as a troll fic, I don't like it. It holds no logic, no semblance of a plot. It's destroyed the characters from Harry Potter, turned them into murders who just killed their classmates. Their teachers aren't doing anything about it. I don't like it, it's a good troll fic but I don't like it."

She paused as though to find her wording, and then continued, "In short, respect the author for making this, it's a 'bad that it's kind of good' sense and I respect the fanfiction itself. It was a little amusing watching us all get all worked up over it."

"Good enough," Shepard said with a nod of her head.

They stared at each other and Karvar broke the newfound silence.

"Does this mean we can just fucking go home now?" He asked.

Shepard looked at the screen, no signs of their host arguing and nodded, "I think so. It was nice meeting you guys. Maybe we can someday meet under better circumstances."

Tex nodded and held her hand out to shake.

"Yeah, it was good meeting you two also," Karkat said and glared, "I'm finding myself able to tolerate you two a bit more than others so don't get yourselves killed out there."

Tex nodded and gave him a salute, "You take care of yourself out there, Karkat."

With that, the three turned and headed towards their respective exits, with a hope that they would not need to come back. But all were aware that their host had said fanfictions, suggesting that this would be a regular thing in their own lives.

**Feel free to review, if you have a story you want to suggest for a commentary on, mention it in a review. Since I'm doing a 'Fanmail' system in here, if you want to ask question to Tex, Shepard and Karkat or anything, just leave it in a review for them and any questions directed to anyone will be answered in the next update.**


	2. Story One: Gothic Eternity Part 2

It had been a full week before anyone received another invitation from their Host to return to the theater. Reluctant at first, the group did end up returning to that same theater, and they were not too surprised to find the others were there as well. They stood there facing each other in silence in front of the snack counter before one of them finally broke it.

"I can't believe we all came running back here at the first call like a dumb bark beast!" Karkat grumbled as he walked behind the counter and grabbed a large pop and popcorn for himself.

Tex shook her head, a stoic expression still etched onto it, "I am not entirely sure if this was the soundest strategy. Returning here seems like a suicide mission," She mused and flinched, "Doc is still having…..difficulties…. cleansing the memory files in me from the last session."

Shepard grabbed a small box of chocolate and headed towards the doors to where they would begin, "Well, we can always continue coming until we find out who our Host is and kill him."

"I like that idea," Tex agreed following the two, being the only one not to retrieve a snack for herself.

"I actually received a link to where to watch Harry Potter online in my emails. I think it was from our Host," Shepard mused, "I really did enjoy watching it."

Karkat shook his head, "Fuck, you got that too? I found a message on my Trollian logs to the same thing."

"It would seem that our Host is hoping to give us knowledge of the series as we are reviewing a Harry Potter story," Tex theorized and shook her head, "It just makes this seem even worse now though."

Karkat nodded as they reached their row "I know! It makes me want to puke thinking of this story!"

They took their respective seats and paused and Shepard continued to speak.

"So, changing the subject, what have the two of you been up to since the last session?" she asked them.

Tex took a moment to run through her mind what was classified and what she could tell them, "I myself have been making progress on my mission. My team has picked up a Nijhedis who used to work for my target. Because of him, we have managed to make tremendous advancements in our hunt."

"What's a Nijhedis?" Karkat asked.

"They are…" Tex paused to think of how to explain it, "I suppose it would be best to compare them to insects, they are like human sized insectoid species from a harsh planet with thin wings, mandibles, hard chitin plating on their bodies. They are rather skilled military wise and were the second species in our galaxy to have reached space travel."

Shepard nodded, "They sound interesting, but what is your mission?" She asked.

"Classified."

The response was sharp and instant; it was obvious that there was nothing the two could do to make Tex tell them anything about the mission so Karkat took the reign to explain what he had been doing.

"I've just been trying to survive living with a bunch of fuckasses, but I guess I'm all right," He said and growled, "I mean, I'm living on a meteor with two annoying humans, an only a small amount of my group left, hurtling through the void to a new session and there is only what, six trolls out of twelve that are still fucking alive?"

Shepard blinked and reached out, "Are you really okay?" She asked.

The young troll just slapped her hand away, "I'm perfectly fucking fine!" He snapped, "Can we just move the fuck on already?"

The Human Spectre nodded and looked at the tray were there was a few letters

"I suppose that our letter of introduction to this session is in there," Shepard mused.

She picked up the letter with a silver seal and broke said seal before removing the letter and reading it.

_Welcome back, my three friends._

"We're not his fucking friends," Karkat muttered but Shepard shushed him and the troll went quite.

_I hope that you did not hate the last session too passionately. Because the story was not complete when you left, you will need to complete the reviews. Yes, you will be doing Welcome to the Black Parade, Part Two now._

"Fuck," Karkat grumbled.

_I hope you all the best of luck._

Tex shook her head, "Well, at least he's polite about it," She offered.

"I don't care if he's polite or not, but we don't really get a choice it seems. Let's get this show on the fucking road," Karkat said loudly as he slumped in his seat, scowling at the screen.

The room began to dim once again as the screen lit up, signaling the start of their session.

_no flames_

Tex- Wait, before we actually start, wasn't the last chapter the Concert Part One? Where is Part Two?

Shepard- Tex, the author probably won't ever write Part Two.

Tex- Oh, okay.

_danks 2 ma goffik fiend Velvet 4 da betas_

Karkat- She needs a new, competent Beta Reader then.

_(geddit lik danks 4 da venom, danks 4 da betas?)_

Shepard- That is a good song, how dare she mock it like this!

_I luv yea (ew nawt like dat)_

Shepard- You said it, not us.

_even dough u like GC more dan MCR as long as u lik MCR its ok_

Karkat- Does it matter?

_and Gerard is hot just so u kno readers. _

Shepard- Did that have an relevance at all here?

_go ta chapta 3 for charter names._

Tex- Yes, because we get to meet the OC's who replaced the Harry Potter characters there.

Shepard- Oh, so we are still agreeing that these are just OC's and not really Harry, Ron, and so on. Good.

_MCR ROX STILL_

Karkat- No one gives a fuck.

_we wer on ours way (geddit lik gerard way)_

Shepard- Bad pun is bad.

_bck 2 hme 4 da holloween nall._

Tex- She can't even spell a simple word right. I think her spelling is getting worse and she apparently had a Beta for this.

_i was goin 2 go as a vamp (geddit cuz she really is a vvampy.)_

Shepard- Still a bad joke.

_i added som queenly stuff cuz i was da queen of hell._

Karkat- Wouldn't you have to be married to Satan to be queen of Hell? You probably are, you're a two timing bitch.

_ma date was draco who was dressed as demon prisinor._

Tex- There is really no way the real Draco would go as someone's prisoner.

_he a\was ma prisoner an he had da sexiest eva._

Shepard- Oh, so you meant to say he wasn't going as your sex slave prisoner?

_tempest was going with dracula. (arent bi guyszz so hawt)_

Shepard- I still don't really like the fact that you made them both bi-sexual when they were both 100 percent straight in the series.

_tempest was slendaman an Dracula was ben drowned. (dey were boat creepaypaystats)_

Karkat- No! They did not bring CreepyPasta in here

Tex- No, they brought CreePayPayStats in here.

_dark'ness and hades were going 2gedder._

Shepard- At least something seems to be making a little sense now.

_dark'ness was a goffik kristeen and hades was fantom from da fatom of da oprah._

Shepard- I didn't know Oprah had a phantom. I wonder if she did a talk segment about her phantom.

_Ma fiend Velvet (dat is Velvet mafreind)_

Karkat- Oh, as if it wasn't already obvious.

_she was wit Amethest. dey were both bi duh._

Tex- I have nothing against various sexualities, but did she turn **every** character here bisexual?

Karkat- Yup.

_velvet was emealy fom da copse bfide. amethest was sally from das nightmare B4 chistmassssss_

Shepard- I didn't really think either of them were that gothic. I thought they were pretty cute. But she is now insulting the two movies by placing them in here.

_we wet int2a da ball roo_

Karkat- What the fuck is a Roo? The Ball Kanga_roo_? The Ball _Roo_ts?

_hello google sad._

Tex- What?

_"welcum 2 da (blak parad) blal go dance now BITCHES!"_

Shepard- That was again, a lame ass pun.

_we danced an den voldy came_

Karkat- -And killed them all.

Karkat- Wait, no that is hoping for too much.

_gasp_

Tex- She is really bad at suspense.

_no flamez_

Shepard- Sorry, that's kind of the whole point of why we are doing this.

_i didnt read da books or watch da moviews i jut read ma immortal_

Karkat-…is this….is this nook sucking shit stain serious?! Why the fuck is she writing this story if she doesn't even know who the fuck these characters are?! MY FUCKING IMMORTAL DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A GRASP OF THE CHARACTERS! THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?!

Tex- This…this explains everything, why this story is so fucking awful.

Shepard- it's still not an excuse. She shouldn't write stories for series she knows nothing about.

Karkat- She better not fucking put Bellatrix in here!

_"r u gonna kill us?" Velvet asked._

Tex- Affirmative. Now die.

_"no y da fuck wuld i do dat?_

Shepard- Voldemort! You're losing your cool here! KILL THEM!

_i am goffik 2 an i want 2 join u guyz pluz i herd dere r no peps or posas in hwarts_

Karkat- Hwarts, that's the schools name, it is a different school than Hogwarts, it is a school where it's pure stupidity and fucking bulge suckers.

_so me and ma deat deelers fot we shuld stay ere."_

Shepard- I find it hard to accept it, but this story is even worse than before.

Tex- She has officially given up on actually putting effort into it.

_"u gotta get a cooler name dough." i sad._

Karkat- Because Voldemort is such a lame name even though it's a name that brought fear to every wizards hearts.

_"wat do u men i got da coolest name eva!" voldy said._

Tex- He does have the coolest name ever compared to the rest of the group.

_"it aint goffik so u wiLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... LUCIFER!"_

Tex- I really want to kill her. Can I please kill her? I want to kill her, I know, I'll use her as bait for the Parasites and while they are ripping her to shreds from the inside.

_"OMFG UR RITE." Lucifur said._

Shepard- Okay, I think we can mark Voldemort as dead now, he was killed and replaced by an OC so yeah. This story is becoming shittier and shittier with every word.

_"DAT IS DA CooLEST NAME eVA!" LICIFER an lucian starred dancing wen..._

Karkat- Who the fuck is Lucian? I know there is a Lucius.

Tex- When did this Lucian get here anyways?

_dDAT Suepid (geddut like mary sue WHICH ETERNITY IS NAWT)_

Tex- Your lies are not appreciated. We all know she is a Mary Sue.

_Fudge guy came. and he didnt even have anny fuckin fudge_

Karkat- Why would he have fudge just because he's named Fudge?

Shepard- I will admit that I was a little annoyed that he didn't have fudge, but it's nothing to get pissed off about.

_"fuk off fudge u dodnt even got cfusdge. ur a hipohcrite." _

Tex- Does she even know what hypocrite means? He's not a hypocrite just because he doesn't have Fudge

_luci killecd wem_

Shepard- Which Luci? Lucifer or Lucius? Or is there a new character named Luci?

Karkat- I don't think the author knows who the fuck killed him.

_"YEAH!" SWE DAMCED/_

Karkat- This is the most fucking retarded group ever!

_SOMEONE MADE A MEANIE COMMENTARY BOUT MY STORYE!_

Karkat- Does anyone give a fuck? No. They're probably laughing because it's probably way fucking better than your story.

_WAT DA FUK! EVERY1 GO FLAM HER DA LIK IS ON MA PAG AN HERE_

Shepard- Well, aren't you such an over reactive brat.

_www. fanfiction s/ 9617465/ 1/ Welcome-To-The-Black-Parade-by-RayneTaraG-Commenta ry_

Karkat- I'm checking it out and following it when I leave here. It has to be better than her story.

_JUST TAKE OUT DA DAMN SPACES BITCHES_

Tex- Well, aren't you nice.

_SORRY HAD CHANGES_

Shepard- Do you mean Story? I doubt it changed.

_IMMA MAKE A COMENTARY OF THE COMENTARY HA TAKE DAT_

Karkat- Is this girl serious? Who the fuck does that? Fucking immature.

_NO FLAMEZ_

Karkat- GET THE FLAMETHROWERS WE NEED TO BURN THIS SHIT DOWN.

_"U MODAFUDGING (geddit)_

Shepard- Bad puns are still bad.

_GOFFIKS I WILL KILL U ALL!" WHO COULD IT BE_

Tex- Godzilla? Please be Godzilla. He would kill them all with ease, just step on them.

_IT WA FUDGE-WUDGY KINS._

Karkat- Is this bitch serious? She killed him off last chapter.

Tex- I'm just…fuck it. I give up.

_"FUK OFF FUDGE."_

_"no i dont want 3." i killed him_

Shepard- He got killed last chapter by Luci!

_GO ETERNITY" every1 said._

Tex- Because being twelve year old murders is great.

_"UR QUEEN OF ENGLAND NOW!_

Shepard- I'm sorry, what? When did this happen?

_5 MINUTES LATER_

_I sat in ma throne as dumbdore explained_

Karkat- I wonder if she knows that the Queen of England doesn't have absolute power.

Shepard- Doesn't mean she won't make it so that her character can do whatever the fuck she wants.

Tex- Hasn't she already been doing that?

_"ur queen cuz u killed de queen fom B4." I looked up fom our gam of battaship._

Karkat- Battleship?

_"B4 is a hit." i sad._

Shepard- Is she really that stupid? She's not even listening to him is she.

_"no i was taking bout u killin fudge who used ta be da queen but ill put it down anyway."_

Tex- Fudge was a man, how can he be queen?

Shepard- She doesn't even know what she's doing.

_"dats cheatin."_

Karkat- you're the one who put it down as a hit first moron.

_"no."_

_"yes."_

_"no it aint."_

_"YES IT IS GUARDS TAK HIM 2 AZKABAN!" DA GUaRD TOKo him 21 akABANF._

Shepard- Going to Azkaban for something like that. I just…no words.

_NO FLAMEZ_

Karkat- Shut the fuck up about the flames already!

_DANKS 2 DA BETAS ANYDING NOT IN MI SHE EXPAINS 4 ME_

Karkat- EXPLAIN BETTER! Your betas must be retarded or something! They don't even know how to do their job!

_I DIDNT EVEN RUN IT IN DA BOOKS AND MOVES DEY WERE GOFFIK 2 MA FRIEND VELV SAD SO_

Shepard- I feel bad that her friend is lying to her and is probably the reason she's such deranged in thinking this is good.

_we dicided 2 gfiv lucifur a makeover. i was wering blak mcr fishnets. ma blak boots reached ma thighs and ha maruy manson ll over d4e,m._

Tex- You are giving him a makeover yet describing your own clothes.

_i had white foundation black eyeline blak mascra blak eyeshow. i wore a shit made outta DA SOULS PF PREPS!_

Shepard- That doesn't sound like very good clothes material, souls are a bit transparent.

_VOldy no w weore the same clodes as me but da guy vershion. he tolde me da sory of how he was evil and his parents sad he EWAS nawt a wizzy but he was. so he ate dem._

Karkat- So Voldemort is a fucking cannibal.

_"dat is goffik." i sad._

Shepard- Girl, you wouldn't know what was true Gothic if it hit you with a bus.

_"but unfortuenly da attor gotta go cuz shees buzaY._

Tex- Did she just break the fourth wall?

Karkat- who cares! The author is gone! FUCK YES!

The screen went white and the room light up.

Karkat groaned in annoyance as he threw his popcorn onto the ground, "I honestly don't know whether the author is serious and this is just the shittiest story ever and not written shitty on purpose, or it's a trollfic where the author spent way too much time on it."

The Commander offered him a smile, "I don't know which it would be, all I know is that I'm glad it's over."

They got up and started to walk out of the room.

"If we are lucky at all, it will be a few weeks before we should be needed to review anything else," Tex said.

"How you feeling though, Tex," Shepard asked.

She stared at them for a full minute before shaking her head, "My hurts, I do not think I am fit for this role. I can barely process what is being written, and I do not understand the humor you two display."

Shepard laughed and patted her on the shoulder, "Don't worry Tex, you'll understand someday. Just ask your friends out there for a little help. I'm sure they would love to help you with this."

"Affirmative."

* * *

**This should be the last of Welcome To The Black Parade. If you have any questions about any of the characters, feel free to ask. If you have any story you want to suggest for a commentary on it go ahead. **


	3. Story Two: Fullmetal Quotations

**Welcome back. To start off, this story is being reviewed is rather short and was originally going to be Story 3, but I decided to swap them. The next story I think might end up being a two part story like Welcome To The Black Parade because of how many chapters are in it. I do not know yet but we will see when we reach that point.**

**Second off, I have made a poll on my account for this series, go check it out and vote on which of the three (Karkat, Shepard or Tex) you like the most. Character with the most votes, well, I have special chapters planned for each character and the one with the most votes gets to be the first special chapter posted. **

* * *

Shepard was surprised to see Tex when she arrived, she had been trying to make it a point to be the first one there much like the other two times, but this time the Bio-Mech beat her to the Theater this time.

Tex was reclined in her usual seat, reading a rather thick book with the cover title written in a language Shepard didn't understand. While she wasn't wearing her uniform like the last two times, she was still dressed rather formally.

She was wearing a white button down dress shirt and a pair of black pants but she was still wearing her combat boots. She had a dark grey jacket folded over her chair and Shepard wondered if the jacket had a sleeve ripped off or not like her last jacket. She looked rather nice and well-dressed today, but her long hair was a complete mess.

Shepard shook her head as she took her seat, placing her snacks on her lap, that last fanfiction must have left some kind of imprint as she was focusing on what people were wearing all day.

"So, what book are you reading?" Shepard asked, hoping for a distraction from the memories of the previous week.

Tex glanced at her before returning to the book, "It is a full account of the entire Alkitir War, from how it started all the way to relations after it ended."

"What was the Alkitir War? I remember you mentioned that Karkat looked like an Alkitir," Shepard took note of their first time meeting each other and that comment about Karkat resembling a cross between a human and Alkitir.

She closed the book and placed it on her lap before turning her body a little to face the Commander.

"An Alkitir is a dangerous being, they look like Alternian Trolls, where they have grey tinted skin, horns, and even a caste system much like the trolls. The similarities have made me wonder at night if there was a connection between the two species, as the Alkitir are most known for their long history of conquering planets," She explained, "That was how the war started. As they began taking over planets, they started taking over the planets that already were under the control of another species. The Empress didn't care who ruled it before, she saw everything in the galaxy as hers to control.

"So the Galactic Alliance retaliated and the war broke out. But the Alkitir are powerful, not just physically, all Alkitir have a certain mental power. I think you mentioned once about how the Asari can bond mentally? Alkitir powers are like that," Tex explained.

Before she could move on to something else, Shepard pressed on for more information about the powers, "What sort of powers do they have?" She asked.

The Bio-Mech paused to think but nodded, "Well, first of all, the Alkitir caste system is broken in half, the High Bloods are physically strong and very durable, the lower half is still stronger than a human being, but weaker than high bloods and not as durable. But they all have powers," Tex started off, "From lowest to highest they are, moving things with mind, blowing things up with mind, able to control someone's mind through your words, and able to rip a person's mind to shreds."

Shepard nodded, "Are there any others?" She asked

She hesitated and nodded, "Malachite's, they literally the most powerful Alkitir in their species, they are capable of doing every one of those talents. That freaked out the rest of their species, so they were hunted to extinction. The Malachite caste was destroyed shortly after the Alkitir war."

The commander digested this, she couldn't help but feel sympathy towards the Alkitir, they were born soldiers and yet they would destroy one of their strongest just out of fear.

"What about the War itself?"

Tex nodded, "Yes, the Alkitir War, as I had said, the Galactic Alliance fought back, but even all the species that were under the Galactic Alliance Flag couldn't win. The Alkitir were killing us, one platoon at a time and the sad thing was that we almost always outnumbered the Alkitir. There is a reason why the Alkitir are the most deadly military force in the Galaxy," Tex explained, "And that drove the G.A to an effective, if not underhanded tactic."

Before Shepard could ask what they did, Karkat collapsed into his chair beside Tex, "What the hell are you two talking about?" He asked.

"Tex was telling me about the Alkitir War, the Alkitir are very much like Trolls she said," Shepard explained and turned to Tex, "How did the Galactic Alliance beat them?"

Tex nodded, "Yes, well as I said, the Alkitir were annihilating us, but they had one weakness that they tried to keep hidden," She pointed out and turned to face the screen, "A couple of thousands of years ago, the Empress saw having a female Alkitir staying home to carry her young for months as weakness. The military would lose soldiers when they do this. So she figured out a way to stop that.

"She made it so the Alkitir could no longer reproduce the original way, no longer were their young formed the same way a Human infant was born. The infants were born somewhere else, I do not know where and the Alkitir were not needed for the process. All they needed to do was give the Collectors samples of their DNA every year. I don't know how the Alkitir did this," Tex explained and glanced at them, "But the Nijhedis Tenth Platoon found out where this was done, they sabotaged it. The terms were that if the Alkitir not surrender, the Tenth Platoon would destroy the one thing that kept the Alkitir from extinction."

Karkat shook his head, "Rough, So they could either continue kicking Galactic Ass which it seemed that they were winning, or surrender?"

Tex nodded, "It was not an easy choice, the Alkitir could have continued, and hope that they could win before the Nijhedis wiped out the only thing that allowed them to produce young, or they could surrender. While terms are still shaky, even after three hundred years, the Alkitir have now formed the largest navy in the Galactic Alliance."

"Well, I don't see the resemblance between Trolls and Alkitir," Karkat muttered.

Shepard just laughed, "Karkat, you came in just in time to hear how the war was ended. You have to ask Tex the full story on the Alkitir before you can decide if there are similarities or not," She told him as she picked up the envelope and handed it to him, "Do you want to read it?"

Karkat took it from her and shrugged, "Fine," He said and tore it open.

_Welcome back. If you are reading this, and I know that you are, than you recovered enough from the last story to review another one._

_I do understand that the story I started you off with may have been a bitch much, so as an apology, I will give you a more tame story to follow._

_I mean tame as the spelling is decent, but that is about it._

_But apart from that, as you go on, you may find that I have installed a few new additions that may make this a little more interesting._

_I do hope that you enjoy this story, it's from the Fullmetal Alchemist fandom._

"At least he is giving us an easy one today," Tex offered as Karkat crumpled the paper up.

The troll glared at her, "How do you know he's telling the truth?" He demanded.

Shepard just laughed but it was forced, "We'll have to read to find out."

_The full metal alchemist _

Shepard- Close, but the series is called Fullmetal Alchemist.

_- hurt/comfort/family – I don't want to keep losing you anymore_

Karkat- Is this going to be an attempt at a depressing as fuck story?

Tex- Key word is Attempt, Karkat.

_Chapter 1: why did I live in this world?_

Shepard- Because no other world wanted you.

_When Ed came back from the other side of the gate and started dating Roy_

Karkat- HOLD IT! Ed is dating Roy? That's just wrong! Roy's like thirty years old. THIS is why fangirls are just sick.

_and al has his body back and has mysterious powers and works for nariko for like every Friday to Wednesday and nariko treats nice._

Shepard- An OC, this Nariko is probably going to be a major player in this story. They always are.

Karkat- Didn't you know? Trollfics are allergic to correct spelling and punctuation.

_Winry, Nariko, her brother naruto and everybody else knew about it except Ed and Roy._

Tex- Knew about what? That Nariko treats them right or Al's mysterious new powers.

_When Al was sitting near the fire place and thinking about his brother and Roy being together and it wasn't things supposed to be._

Shepard- Because even Al knows that Roy/Ed is just wrong.

_And al doesn't want to be alone anymore. _

Karkat- Get a cat. You still like cats, right? Course you do.

_And al was thinking the others were saying to him about Ed and Roy._

_Flashback_

Shepard- Fuck, I was hoping that we wouldn't get flashbacks so soon.

_When Al was walking towards nariko house and hears some two girls started talking to him._

Tex- can this author please use the correct tense. He/she using a mix of them here.

_Hey are you Edward Elric's little brother? One of the girls said to him._

Karkat- No quotation marks? I hate it when stories lack them! They aren't supposed to lack them.

_Yes, I'm Edward Elric's little brother and May I ask why? He asks the two girls._

Tex- It is because they wish to kidnap you and throw you in a volcano.

_I saw your big brother dating Roy mustang and they're a cute couple_

Karkat- What is wrong with this world?

_and say to him please! _

Tex- "Say what to him?"

_One of the two girls waved at him of going home and al kind of sad. And some people keep repeat saying him and he can't take it anymore. And when the rain comes al cried._

All- What?

_Flashback end_

_When Al was thinking when Ed didn't started dating Roy._

Shepard- "Those were the good days, the days when my brother didn't love a pedo."

_Flashback_

Karkat- Is this just going to be a mess of flashbacks?

_When al finished cooking their favorite meal and almost telling Ed the food is ready he saw Ed getting dress and he said to him._

Tex- Why wasn't he dressed in the first place? ….Do I want to know why?

Shepard- No.

_Ed where you going? He asks him._

Shepard- Just because he was getting dressed doesn't mean he was leaving, Al.

_Roy told me to ask me something and eat without me. And he patted on my head and he left_

Tex- It took about a dozen re-reads to actually understand what he was saying.

Karkat- This is why you need quotation marks.

_And few hours later, he came in happy and I ask him. Brother why you're so happy? I told him._

_Because Roy ask me to date him! He shouted._

Shepard- Worse mistake of your life.

_Waa, I'm so happy for you! I shouted and then I ask him a promise. And Ed can we promise something._

_Sure al, what is it?_

_Can we promise to be a family forever ever and never forget! And al and Ed showed their pinky and said_

Tex- They will always be family. Dating does not change that_._

Karkat- Tex, that didn't sound right.

_Promise me, promise me to be a family and never forget. And they smiled._

_Flashback end_

Karkat- Hooray! It's over!

Shepard- Just the flashback.

Karkat- F U!

_And Ed did not remember and forget the promise they made._

Tex- What? Did Edward forget that they were brothers?

_And Al heard the door opened and it was Ed while smiling and al said to him. Brother why you're so happy? And al pretends to smile._

_Because Roy ask me to marry me and were going to be married next month! He shouted._

Shepard- While I have no problem at all with two men getting married, I do have a problem with Ed and Roy getting married.

_Waa, I'm so happy for you!_

_Wow, I'm sleepy I think I'm to bed! Ed passed from al and went to bed and al was thinking._

Tex- Is it just me or is the plot going faster than a FTL speeds?

Shepard- Not just you.

_Why did I live in this world? Al thought and went to bed._

Karkat- Because you decided to be a dunce and go to the other side with your brother. Blame him.

_Full metal alchemist chapters 2_

_When al helps nariko at her home they are cleaning the rooms for Pokémon's bedroom_

Shepard- Wait, wait! Pokemon? Is this a freaking crossover with POKEMON?

_and helping everything at the house nariko notice al was sad and worried and when they are finish cleaning and they ate and nariko said to him._

_Are you really ok?_

Karkat- "No, I'm in a shitty Fanfic where my character is being butchered into a depressed whinny bitch."

_Of course I'm ok! Al gets nervous and goes to music room where nariko and her band make her music and he shut the door and he gets the guitar and sing_

Tex- They are a band too?

Shepard- Oh god, the author just threw in random things didn't they?

_A song_

Karkat- They aren't really going to…

_What made me think  
"How can you say that with a straight face?"  
When you asked, "When will we meet again?_

_Anytime you talk too much, I know you don't get it.  
For a moment I see your bluff and I cry.  
Do my tears even work on you?_

_I keep saying, "I want to be loved" in my own special way,  
but you still don't get the hint.  
I have this nagging feeling that I'll never see you again…  
I wish I could tell you, but I can't find the words.  
Maybe I'd rather listen to you lie.  
I can't even say, "Don't leave me."_

_When you let go of my hand,  
will you forget about me?  
I wish I could tell you, but I can't find the words.  
Maybe I'd rather listen to you lie.  
I can't even say, "Don't leave me."_

_Finish song_

Karkat- Man that songs making me feel depressed, only because of the fact that it's from Naruto and not Fullmetal Alchemist.

_And al finishes his song and someone claps at him and it was nariko with a smile._

_Wow! What a nice song did you write it?_

_Yeah I did I always be and I have the lyrics. Al pretends to smile._

Shepard- That is plagiarism, Al did not write that song.

_Are you worried about your ed and Roy? nariko said to him and and al said to her._

Karkat- "Yes, because my Brother is dating a man in his thirties, who was probably close to his thirties when he was still fourteen. Why am I the only one worried about this?"

_Yeah I just don't want be alone and if brother is happy with its okay anyway they will have family and I just want leave him alone and I will be going to another city to place to live._

Shepard- I'm sorry, how will they have a family? Those two can't get pregnant and I don't think they mentioned adopting anywhere so far.

_Oh al. and nariko said and she saw al and someone spying on al_

Tex- Oh, was Al cloned and now said clone spying on them with some stranger?

_and went to forest and he went to a layer and he went to his boss office and knocked at the door._

Karkat- I….didn't understand what the fuck just happened.

Tex- All I understood was Something, Something, Forest, Something, Boss office.

_Come in! He shouted and came in the door and he saw his boss almost killing a man with a knife_

Karkat- Al's boss was killing someone with a knife?

_Hey boss, I found him that boy who has the power._

Shepard- "I've Got The Power!"

Karkat- Really?

Shepard- It was needed.

_He said to him and he smirk and he killed the man_

_Alright, leave him alone until we capture hi m and that mine._

Tex- 'Capture him and that mine?' why do they need to capture a mine?

_Um, boss why you want to get that boy name alponse elric the brother of Edward elric the fullmetal alchemist._

Karkat- Uh, maybe because he's the brother of Edward Elric the Fullmetal Alchemist?

_Because, I will be the powerful villain and rule the world and I junko l. rendent will super will be powerfull! He shouted and he listens._

Tex- So, classic power hungry villain who wants to rule the world. Got it.

***TV Tropes Reference 1***

Tex- What was that?

Shepard- I guess one of those 'New Additions' our host mentioned.

_Meanwhile_

Karkat- A meteor shower struck the world, annihilating all life within a ten mile radius of where this story takes place.

_Al went home and went his bedroom and gets his Wright a song_

Tex- What's a Wright a Song?

Shepard- Sounds like one of those things you'd see on a TV commercial.

_and look at sky, and when his brother went home with Roy and he pretend sleep and ed and roy ignored his bed room and they sleep and al cried and tomorrow will be ed and roy marriage party._

Karkat- Alphonse you whiny little nook licking-

Tex- Karkat, calm down.

_Authors note- it will be long story and it nice. Find out._

Shepard- A long story? This is the last chapter!

Karkat- THANK THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK GAMZEE CALLS THEM!

The story was over, the snacks were depleted and all laid back in their chairs in exhaustion.

Finally, Karkat spoke up.

"You know, this wasn't that bad, compared to the last two sessions. I mean at least this author knows how to spell. The plot was just fucking shitty as hell," The young troll said.

Tex nodded, "It was a lot more bearable, I just wished that the author would use quotation marks, it would have made reading it a lot more understandable."

Shepard shook her head, "Tex, the author could have done a lot of things to make this story a lot easier to understand," She told the soldier.

"Acknowledged."

Karkat groaned, "Well, that story is done, I'm getting out of here," He said and quickly exited.

Tex watched him go and glanced at Shepard, "Commander, have you noticed, but Karkat has seemed to be a bit angrier today than before?"

"I don't think Anger is the word to describe it, but yeah," Shepard said getting up and gathering her empty snacks up.

Tex looked at the door, "I wonder if there is anything we can do to help him."


	4. Story Three: Hole Filled Cups Part 1

**Welcome back, this chapter is rather long in comparison I think, but I hope it's good.**

**Just as a heads up, the Poll is still up. Vote on which of the three characters you like the most, and they will have their Special Chapter first.**

**What is the Special Chapters?**

**Just wait and see.**

* * *

Sometimes, Tex wondered what would happen if she quit the military life and went to live a normal, calm life on some colony. Would anyone really care? Other than the military personnel only focused on the fact that she's a Bio-Mech. Would the universe decide to start throwing Armageddon at the galaxy?

The Lieutenant-Commander knew that one day she was going to have to retire anyways; either because of old age, an unforeseen injury, or just from some other reason. She was human, albeit almost half machine, but human at the core; she wasn't going to live for near a thousand years like the Erisoes, she would be lucky to live for a hundred.

But fighting and tactics, in the end, was the only thing that Tex really knew how to do. She didn't mean just fist fighting, but war in general. She was a Special Tactics soldier on Eden, and a hell of a good one at that. She was great at commanding her ship and winning battles, able to gain loyalties to herself, and she had no problem dealing with alien races. Some of her closest friends were aliens.

What wasn't ever going to leave though was the danger the Galaxy seemed to always find itself in. Who knew if there was only one Parasite hive or the theories of multiple Hives existed. What if the Alkitir decided to strike again, the galaxy, no matter how much it advanced, would never be able to win a war without using the same underhanded tactics that caused the Alkitir to either surrender or face extinction, and Tex knew from Karvar that the Alkitir had taken careful precautions to prevent anyone from doing _that_ again.

Tex didn't know what she could do after leaving the military life- it was hard to imagine leaving something she was created to be a part of. Maybe work as a stress therapist? She was good at listening to people's problems, and she was starting to actually try and fix them- she blamed Lucas and Saria for that.

"How the fuck do you know this is going to work?" Karkat asked as he squeezed a rubber ball in his hand.

"It should help, so long as you're serious about your wish to manage your anger effectively," Tex replied.

Karkat was sitting in his seat at the Theater, squeezing a gel filled stress ball, every time he squeezed it, the gel would cause it to expand in the areas his hand wasn't covering. He had been squeezing it repeatedly for the past ten minutes.

The reason he had it with him was because Tex had taken note of he's attitude and temper during their last two meetings. She figured out that he had a temper issue and when she was at Eden's Marketplace last, she decided to buy him the stress ball and gave it to him.

"What the fuck happens if this doesn't work?" Karkat asked, taking a break from squeezing the ball.

Tex didn't miss a beat on her answer, "We find a different way to help your anger."

He muttered something and looked at the door, squeezing the ball more and most likely wondering when Shepard was going to show up.

"Let's try something else right now, until the Commander comes," Tex said and stood up, "I need you to sit on the floor now."

Karkat glared at her, but obeyed with much reluctance. He stood up and moved away from the seats into the large gap between the columns of seats before sitting on the floor.

"Cross your legs, we're going to see if meditation will work on you," Tex said, kneeling beside him.

The Troll rolled his eyes, "Seriously? Meditation?" He asked but like before, he did as the Bio-Mech told him to do, after Tex told him to close his eyes, he did so.

"Now, I want you to take a deep breath and hold it for a second," She told him, her tone was more gentle and no longer the commanding tone she used to make him sit and close his eyes.

Karkat doubted this was going to work, but he did so.

"Let it out."

The air came out as one long _whoooof_.

Tex nodded in approval, "Repeat."

Karkat did so, he filled his lungs with as much air as he could and held it for a second or two before letting it out.

"Just one more time."

When Karkat let the air out this time, he did feel a little calmer.

"Good," Tex said, "You're feeling calm now, right?"

"Mmm," was the response she was given.

Tex nodded to herself and moved on to the next stage, "All right, now I need you to keep your eyes closed and clear your mind. Picture nothing but darkness, pitch black," She said.

He was a bit more reluctant to do this part; it was easy for him to picture a darkness he was used to seeing on the meteor, where they had lacked a bit of light until a while ago. But he didn't want to see darkness, he didn't trust the darkness because anything could be hiding in it.

But he wasn't going to disobey her when she was just trying to help him, so he did as she told.

"Is your mind clear?" asked Tex after a minute.

Karkat nodded, "Yeah."

"Good, now I want you to picture the focus of your aggravation," Tex said, and then paused, "Not all of your rage," She corrected. "I want you to focus on the cause of most of your recent anger, before coming to the Theater."

The young troll nodded, and soon the picture of what was causing him so much anger, what was causing him so much silent pain and betrayal began to form. Tall and thin, black shirt, spotted dark pants, white makeup wild hair and goat-like horns.

The source of his most recent, and oldest anger.

"What do you see?" Tex asked.

"….my m-" Karkat cut himself off, unsure if he should even use the title he was about to use for this person anymore, "….Gamzee…."

Tex nodded, she didn't know who Gamzee was but she figured he was somewhat important to Karkat from what she knew of his situation. "Okay, now picture him in a bubble, a big bubble."

Karkat raised an eyebrow but kept his eyes shut, "Why a bubble?"

"A bubble would suit what is coming next perfectly," Tex explained, "Just picture him in a bubble, he's in a giant bubble and can't get out," She pressed.

The image of Gamzee in a bubble was almost comical in Karkats mind, because to him, it actually seemed like something the young High Blood would get himself into.

"Okay, now imagine that bubble floating away," Tex said gently, "Gamzee is floating away from you, never to bother you again or anger you again."

Seeing Gamzee floating away, no matter how much Karkat hated him right now, how much he felt betrayed, seeing that, even if it was just a mental image, nearly gave the mutant blood a heart attack and his eyes snapped open.

"No, I can't," Karkat said, his tone wasn't angry, it was more of a 'I give up' tone. "I…I hate him but Gamzee is still my friend and my responsibility, I can't…I can't have him do that even if it's not really happening."

Tex reached out, "Why not?" She asked; she knew Karkat was going through a hard time, so many of his friends were dead. The Bio-Mech really wanted to help the boy.

Karkat took a step away, "I…I don't want to talk about it, OK?" He snapped.

She hesitated but nodded, "All right."

The two headed back to their seats right as Shepard opened the doors.

"I'm sorry I'm late," She explained, "The Normandy was running behind schedule today, we were lucky to make it to the Citadel at all today."

Tex tilted her head to the side, "Did something bad happen to cause you to be behind schedule?"

Shepard shook her head and took her seat, "No, we just ran into a little trouble in the Terminus System, Batarian Pirates thought they could attack the ship. Needless to say they got their ass kicked."

"Good job," Karkat muttered, "Can we just start now? We've been waiting for twenty minutes!"

"Actually, it has been Eighteen minutes, and fourty seconds," Tex stated.

"I don't care."

Shepard raised an eyebrow, "I hope I didn't miss anything important."

"No, you didn't," Karkat snapped and took the letter, practically shoving it in Tex's face.

She took it from him and placed it on the tray in front of them, "We seem to have some more mail today that we are to read first," She pointed out to the other letters.

"Fan mail?" Shepard asked with a grin.

Karkat rolled his eyes and took his letter.

**I can understand Tex and Shepard able to find a theater on a certain planet or base or something. But how did you find the theater since you are on a meteor.****  
**

"You know what, I could have fucking sworn I mentioned it before. But we haven't even explored the entire meteor yet. I was given a map and I followed it to the room where the Theater is in," Karkat explained.

**Do they know about your blood color?**

Karkat ripped the letter up, "Do you know my blood color? I don't see how it's anyone's fucking business what color my blood is!"

Tex leaned over to Shepard, "He's in a bad mood right now," She warned her.

The troll glared at them and leaned back in his chair as Tex took her letter.

**How did you get your name, 27-3 Tactical Extermination? That isn't really a normal name.**

"That is a good question," Shepard noted, "I don't think you really told us how you ended up with that name."

Tex gave a small shrug, "It is not so much a name as a title. I am not certain on what the 27-3 stands for, I am under the assumption that it has to do with the squad that I was placed under the protection of when I was very young. As for Tactical Extermination? That was what I was created to do. I am in sense, an organic weapon."

**You seem like a good person, do you have any boyfriend or girlfriend?**

"I have a few friends, both male and female."

Shepard laughed, "I'm pretty sure that's not what they meant," she said and opened up her own letter.

**So, are you Paragon or Renegade?**

Shepard raised an eyebrow, "Um, what does that mean?" She asked, "I mean I do stuff that can be considered a renegade, I mean I do punch that news reporter Al-Jilani a lot."

**Who's your Love interest?**

Shepard turned bright red at this, "What? How does this concern you at all?" She demanded throwing the letter away.

Karkat rolled his eyes at her, "So, you have a girlfriend or boyfriend and your embarrassed about it or something?"

"I am not embarrassed about our relationship!"

"Maybe we should move on to the next letter," Tex offered holding up the last question.

**Do any of you like Pokemon?**

"I am only a little familiar with the series," Tex admitted.

Shepard laughed, "I own like, five games!" She said, "It's fucking awesome!"

"I fucking love Crabby," Karkat said

Tex took up the last letter and nodded to Karkat, "Now we can read what our Host has to say."

_Since you are reading this, than you have in fact accepted the invitation to this Theater once again for another session. I thank you again for agreeing to be a part of this. _

_The last story was rather easy, which is what I wanted. But I do not want you to think that it will be easy all the way through. So I will be giving you a hard one this time._

_It is called The Quest for The Holy Grail._

_Please, enjoy._

"Wasn't the Holy Grail some kind of Human thing?" Karkat asked, "Had to do with Christian theology right?"

Tex nodded, "Correct, it was said to be the goblet the Christian Messiah drank from during the Last Supper."

"I'm more concerned as to why it is under a Lords of the Ring and Harry Potter crossover. That can't be a good sign," Shepard pointed out.

Karkat stared at her, "The fact that we're stuck reviewing it isn't a good fucking sign," He pointed out.

"Let's just begin," Tex offered.

/

_Once apon a tim_

Shepard- Poor Tim.

_King Aurthur and Lancellot_

Tex- I've never heard of a King Aurthur, he must not have been very famous.

_were siting in Camelot round the round tabel. Sudden a night carged into the room_

Karkat- Is it just me, or does 'carged into a room' sound pretty fucking painful?

Shepard- It's not just you.

_and yelled "Aurthur! We know were the Holey Grayil is!"_

Tex- That is good for you, but aren't you supposed to be looking for the Holy Grail instead?

_Aurthur gassped "I have been lookign for this cup for years! Quick, Lancelot, we must gather the army and go on qeust to get it!"_

Karkat- So far, that might be the only thing I've read that's made any sense.

_So then Lancellot and Aurther and all the other nights went on ther horses_

Tex- How can night get on a horse? Since when did it have a physical form?

_and rode toward the palce were the night had said the greil was hidden_.

Karkat- Why do I feel like they are never going to spell Knight right?

Shepard- Because they never will?

_When Aurthir_

Tex- Okay, how many cousins does King Arthur have that are kings? So far we have Aurthur and Aurthir.

Karkat- A lot of Aur's.

_and Lancelot and all the rest of the nights made it to the place they sawd an old rooined castel. In the castle was a scary lite made from a pumkin and some crepy candels._

Tex- Obviously, this castle is a 'dangerous' place. It's probably haunted or filled with the enemy at how these stories go.

_"We must be care" said Aurthur_

Karkat-The fuck does that mean?

_as he wander into the castel door. As he went insid ther was a flash of magic and Aurthur fell down._

Karkat- And broke his neck, causing his death. The End!

_"What happen!" cryd aurthr_

Karkat- Fuck!

_"Who are you?" said a voice from the dark. Aurthur look up and it was a small boy with glases and black hair. He had a skar on hs face and then he knew who it was._

Karkat- Double Fuck!

_"Harry Potter!" yelled Authr loudlyt "King Aurthr and Lancelot" repliyed harry._

Tex- How do they know each other?

_"We have come her to seek the holey grail, do you know were it is?" "Yes, the grail is atually the goblet of fire from the harry poter book"_

Shepard- So, Harry knows he's just a fictional character?

_"Gasp" Aurthu said as he stood uprite._

Shepard- Cousin number three, Aurthu

_"Yes, it is ture. We must join forces and use it power to stop the dark ones!"_

Karkat- Why not just let the dark ones kill them? It'd save a lot of people the trouble.

_"what are the dark ones" "They are all the evil wizard from harry potter books and also Morderd from King Aurthur story and also orcs from Lord of Ring plus some other."_

Tex- So they all know they are fictional.

Shepard- The irony is that in the end, Mordred is the only name from that group spelled right on the first try.

_"Ok" said Authur as he wented outside to get lancelto._

Karkat- Why did he go alone anyways? What kind of knights let their king go into a possibly hostile castle ALONE?

Tex- It's nights, not knights. What else do you expect from a group of nights?

_In the creepy lair of the dark ones_

Tex- Just because they are evil, their lair needs to be creepy? I've faced many evil people and they had pretty nice homes actually.

_their was Sauron from lord of the rings, voledomor from the harrpotter_

Shepard- Even Voldemort has a cousin, hello, Voledomor.

Karkat- He's from Harrpotter, unlike Voldemort who is from Harry Potter.

_and also Morded and some evil ghost and ther was eben some skelton_

Tex- So anything that most people consider evil because they are undead?

_and also a Lic King from Wrodl fo Warcraf._

Shepard- Lic Kings- Kings of the Licking.

Karkat- Wrodl fo Warcraf- A MMRPG that involves pure stupidity.

_They sat around a tabel maked from skul of their enemy._

Tex- This person likes to stereotype Evil People.

_"We must kill harry" said Voldermor._

Shepard- Voldermor, you and Voledomor can't kill Harry, that's your competent cousin Voldemorts job.

_"Yes and also we must kil King Aurthr because he has many nights that coud come and harm us" agree Morded._

Tex- Mordred, you want to kill Arthur because you want the crown and to marry his wife. At least that's what my research says.

Shepard- Cousin number four, Aurthr.

_Sauron smash the tabel with iron glove and said "We mist also stop_

Karkat- Mist, the best way to stop someone.

_frodo and sam and gandalt and all those from destroying the ring becayse the ring will destroy all of us."_

Tex- Wait, you don't want them to destroy a ring that if it doesn't get destroyed, will kill all of you? You do know you're just allowing yourselves to be killed right?

_Lick King said "I agree" and the evil skeleon and ghost roared with agreement. Suddeny a dark man appered in the dorway of the room._

Tex- I question who this is now.

_It was a man made of blood._

Karkat- So is he the ringleader of these idiots?

_He said "Evil lord, we have knews of the Aurthr and harry poter! I saw them go into dark creep castel at night yesterday"_

Tex- For some reason I imagine an energetic wannabe school boy speaking.

_Voldemor utterd an evil lauf and said "Ha ha ha! We will attack them tonite!"_

Shepard- It must have been painful to utter a lauf.

_And so bunch of skeleton and ghsot and also ringwrath and death feeder from harry potter_

Karkat- It's Death EATERS.

_went to find the castel and attack Aurthur and harry._

Shepard- Aurthur, when did you get back? I thought we were talking about Aurthr.

_As Aurthr, lancelto_

Shepard- Wait, we're back to Aurthr, never mind then.

_and the nights and harry sat inside the castle and talk_

Karkat- What is this, chapter four? They still can't spell Knights right?

_they herd a knock at the windo. Aurthr peered out of door and saw a man in a hat with a whip._

Karkat- The fuck, are they doing another crossover?!

Tex- I believe they are.

Karkat- FUCK!

_It was indian jones!_

Karkat- Fuck you!

_"Hello indian Jones" Aurthr said out of window. "Hello aurthr" said indian jones. _

Tex- Are they all just best friends and know each other so well despite being from different time periods?

_"I have hard ther was a holey grail in here!"_

Shepard- I can see him hunting down the Holy Grail. But is the Holey Grail full of holes? Can't be good at holding liquids.

_"Yes there is but it is also golbet of fire from harry potter book" "Oh ok" "We could use your jelp to stop the dark ones from getting it because if tey do they wil destroy the wrold"_

Karkat- So, a wizard, a bunch of knights, and Indy are going to stop badass villains.

Tex- These villains are not badass though.

Karkat- True.

_"Ok I will help" said indian jones and he cane and sat round the table with the rest of them. _

Shepard- I don't know, I would personally would have liked a little more information before agreeing to that.

_"So we must make a plan to stop the drak ones and their evil plot to kill all the peopel on world" "Yes" replid harry as he scrated his scar in thought._

Karkat- Okay, that just looks funny.

_Indian jones brougt a crystal skull form his pocket and said "This skul is magicl. It can help us to destroy the dark ones"_

Tex- Yeah didn't he leave the skull at the temple at the end of the movie. The temple which collapsed?

_"Good idea" said Aurthr. So they made a pln to use the crystal skul to stop Voldemor and the rest of the drak ones from their evil plot to destroy the wrodl._

Tex- They fail and are all killed. The End.

Karkat- Don't use my gag!

_So Aurthr indian jones and harry potter and also lancelt_

Shepard- This person seriously can't spell Lancelot.

_spent the night at the old creep castel._

Karkat- I'm imagining this as a hotel called The Old Creep Castle.

_They all went to sleep but suddenly a noise woke them up. indian Jones look out of window and saw a army of skeleton ghots and death feeder and ringwrath led by the man made of blood._

Shepard- He must really suck when it comes to water. Someone get a fire hose.

_"Gasp" he cried_

Karkat- Okay, who actually cries out 'Gasp'?

Tex- No one.

_and told the others what he had sawn._

Shepard- He had sawn himself in half.

_"Quick get your wepons" said Aurthr so they got their weaons ready. Aurthr had exaclibur harry had a wand and indian Jones wipped a pistol out of his pocket with his whip and put it into his hand and then he loded it with bullet._

Shepard- Wouldn't it have been easier to take it out with your hand?

_Lancelt went downstair to get the other nights to help._

Karkat- "Night of the Full Moon! Night of the Half Moon and Quarter Moon! Night of the New Moon! We need your moons shining bright to blind our enemies!"

_Indian jones fired bullets at the skeletos and they fell down ded._

Tex- They are already dead.

_Harry did a spell and some ghost were destroyed and then Aurthur jumps throu the window and used exalibur to kil some of the death dealer._

Karkat- It's EATERS not Feeders or Dealers.

_The lead death deeler was lucis malfoy._

Tex- Is that Lucius' brother?

_He tried to do a avadra kadabra spell but then Aurthur stab him with xcalibur and the blood poored down his front and robes._

Shepard- So far one right thing has happened.

_He screamed "Ah ah" but Aurtur did not stop stabing him until he fell down on the flor ded._

Karkat- Over fucking kill much?

_Then the ringwrath and the man mad of blood and some ghost that were not killed by harry spell ran away back to the dark ones secret lar to tell what had happed._

Tex- Harry, I am disappointed in you. You should have done a water spell on the Man of Blood.

_"I am sorry drak ones but we coud not stop them they were too powerrful for lucicus and his death deelers."_

Tex- Yeah, because they would get killed by a bunch of muggles and Harry.

_"What!" yelled Suaron and the lick king_

Karkat- They even called him the Lick King! It's official this guy is the LICK King!

_and they stood up in anger. "I am sorry" said the man made of blood with a pathefic voice but they did not listen. "Next tim we must make sure we defet them" "Yeah" agreed Vodlermor._

Tex- Obviously you want that next time.

_The drak ones suddeny stoped their meeting as the door open._

Karkat- Godzilla entered and killed them all. The End.

Tex- How did Godzilla get in there?

Karkat- They never said how big the doors were.

_Then some nazi and the russian woman from indian Jones and the crystal skull came inside._

Shepard- Great, adding them too.

_They all had gun and lots of bullets and then the woman said "We have come to join the dark ones we want to kill Indian jones"_

Tex- I'm pretty sure they weren't that evil.

_"Ok" said Mordered and then they began to train. Voldermor teached them some spell_

Shepard- Since when could _Muggles_ do magic?

_and Sauron give them some orc armor to wear. Also the woman joined the table with the other head dark ones. "Our last plan failed we need a new plan" said Vodelmor_

Shepard- Maybe you should be killed and let Voldemort take your place?

_"Yes" agree lick king. "This tim_

Tex- Poor Tim.

_we need to attack secretly not with massive army"_

Tex- Stealth….I actually like that. Too bad they will fuck it up.

_"Good idea" and so they made a plan to send a few nazi and ringwrath who survive last fight to go under secret tunel to find harry and Aurthr and the others._

Karkat- Because they will just so happen to be using a trail that will have a tunnel under it.

_Meanwhile at the castel Harry and indian jones and Aurthr were setting out to meet frodo and gandalf so they could combin the power of crystal skull and ring and holey grail together into one weapon to slay drak ones._

Shepard- You should never combine powerful items if you don't know what you are doing. And you obviously don't know what you are doing.

_They met Hagrid outside who carry their things and also lancelto and his nights._

Karkat- So far Lancelot is my favorite. Why? Because he's had no lines so far.

_"where is gandalg and the others" asked harry "Don't know" reply hagrid "but maybe they are at the forbidden forest"_

Tex- Hopefully they are being killed, is that too much to hope for?

_"Ok we will go to forbidden forest" said Aurthr and then they set off._

Shepard- Wait! Has that castle been Hogwarts the entire time?

* * *

**Part one of this story is up. Stay tuned for part two.**


	5. Story Three: Hole Filled Cups Part 2

**I apologize for how long it took. I had lost the link I had to the story I was reviewing. As a way to apologize to you, I have a especially long chapter for everyone today.**

**Now to answer a question I had, what are they getting out of it? Well in the end, they get nothing out of it, but they are unfortunately drawn to the Theater. I guess you could say what they get out of it is to see the others and their friends. **

**The more they go into the theater, the weaker the compulsion the theater creates drawing them in becomes until they are 100% willing to enter.**

**In short, this thing fucks up their minds so much that they just don't care anymore.**

Karkat and Shepard were leaning against the wall to the restrooms, each holding a new supply of snacks and drinks to hold them off until the review ended. They glanced at the claw posted by the snack bar and then back at the restroom as they waited for Tex to exit.

"For the love of!" Karkat shouted his patience gone, "It's been fifteen minutes already! Tex, you got to be done by now!" He yelled, kicking the door to get her attention.

"Maybe she escaped, using the restrooms as an excuse," Shepard offered with a small grin earning a glare from the angry troll, "I'm kidding, I don't think Tex would ditch us just yet. She would also probably be more blunt about it."

He grumbled, taking a bite out of his popcorn as he waited. Ears perking up as they heard the sound of a toilet flushing in there, then followed by the sink and paper towel dispenser. Another minute later, the door opened and Tex exited, her face in that usual cross between bored and neutral.

"The hell took you so long?" Karkat asked as Tex collected her own drastically smaller supply of treats compared to the others.

Tex shrugged as she walked towards the theater, "I had to pee," She stated the other two following.

Tex snickered a little and nudged Karkat, "Blunt as ever," She said.

"Fifteen minutes just to take a piss?" He asked her as he followed.

The soldier just shrugged, "Yes, is there a problem with that?"

The boy rolled his eyes as they returned to their seats and eyed the new envelopes that were on the tray, "More mail already? All we did was take a small break!" he exclaimed in surprised.

"Hey, we're popular," Shepard smiled as she lifted the letters, "Two, one from a fan, one from our Host," She said and looked through it more, "Heh, looks like I'm the only one getting mail this time," She told the others as she opened the letter.

**For the good Commander... You haven't destroyed the Collecters yet, correct? Then, assuming the author doesn't censor this, make sure you don't trust the so called "Prothean super weapon" you'll find out about. To quote Ackbar, "It's a trap!".**

"Prothean Super Weapon?" Shepard mused, "I don't recall hearing of it. But yeah, I'm still working on trying to get to the Collector Homeworld, I just finished recruiting everyone on the dossiers the Illusive Man gave me about two weeks ago," She explained than smiled, "Thank you for the heads up though, I'll keep that in mind."

Karkat reached for the other letter but his hand was swatted away.

"Says to open when we finish reviewing the entire story," Shepard explains and he grumbles before stuffing popcorn in his mouth as the theater darkens and the screen lights up.

"Here we go," Tex mumbled.

_Soon harry and hagrid and Aurthr and indian jones had made it to forbidden forest. It was dark and scare and they stood outside it._

Karkat- The Acromantula will hopefully eat them.

_"We cannot see" said hagrid so harry made a lumos and his wand lighted up for them to see path ahead. There was lots of black trees and grass and also it was misty._

Tex- There are many ways to make those sentences sound better.

_So they went in. Aurthr could see eyes in the tree so he pulled out his excaliber and stab the tree but there was nothing there. _

Shepard- stabbing trees just cause they look weird. You're eyes are playing tricks on you my friend.

_"What are you doin" said Hagrid "I thought there was somethin in it" "Ok" _

Karkat- I would do more than just say 'okay', since that is not okay.

_The keep walking until they saw a clearing. In the clearing was bones and skeleton on the floor and also dead body on the trees and blood on the floor. "I do not like it" said Indian jones. _

Tex- Is it bad that I actually like that? The skeletons, dead bodies and blood?

Shepard- I'm…not going to answer.

_Suddenly as them walk in a loud roar._

Karkat- "Suddenly as them walk in a loud roar."? What? What?

_A three headed dog come into the clearing. "Fluffy!" exclaimed hagrid and he went and stroke fluffy on the head and rub his chin _

Shepard- I forgot, the hellhound actually was named Fluffy, an amusing name for a dangerous creature.

_"Fluffy will help us find the frodo and hobbit" so fluffy did a sniff on the ground and then he found the trail._

Tex- Why isn't Fluffy guarding the Philosophers Stone?

Karkat- Yeah, what if Ed and Al come in and steal it?

_They followd the trail to a large cave in the cave was lots of spider webs. Harry was scare but Aurthr said "Do not be scared it is only web"_

Tex- Arthur, what makes webs? Spiders, it's a cave, you are in the Forbidden Forest, what kind of spiders are known for being in the Forbidden Forest?

Karkat- Fuck, I might get my wish after all.

_and slash them with exalibur so they all fell down. They walked into the cave and then they saw some spider cocoons with gandalf, sam, frodo, aragorn and the rest inside. "Help" cried frodo and so they cut down the coocoos and set them free. _

Shepard- I don't think it would be that easy, but then again any media would make it look easy.

_"What happened" said Aurthr "it was spiders they trapped us in the web" "Did you kill them" "No they are still there"_

Karkat- See Arthur, it's not just webs.

_and then the heard a loud hiss. Suddenly two monster spider came down from cealing it was Shelob and Aragog!_

Tex- That sounds, actually it sounds rather interesting. An amazing team those two would make.

Shepard- Dispatch, we have a problem.

***TV Tropes Reference 2***

_They were working for dark ones. Many baby spiders came also. "Attack" cried aragog and then the baby spiders attacked. Arthr stabed some with excalibur and harry did a flipondo spel and knock some down a big hole._

Shepard- Harry, they're spiders, that's not going to kill them, they'll be back up in a few seconds.

Karkat-… ugh….this is reminding me of Vriska. She would like it there.

_Hagrid stomped some and fluffy eat them and the lord of the rings people also stab some baby spiders._

Tex- I find it amusing how the author is so lazy in describing this.

_Indian jones kill some with his wip. Then when they had won Agargog and shelobb attacked and also the terror spiner spider from zuludrak in world of Wacraft. merry and pipen got caught and eaten but everyone else fort the spiders and then they died. _

Shepard- Merry and Pipen, they were the lucky ones.

_"I am sorry mery and pipin" said gandalf "but now we must defeat the dark ones" and so they all started to go toward the dark one lair to make the ultimate wepon to destroy it._

Karkat- This is getting lamer and lamer.

Tex- The spiders were interesting though, could have been better had the author actually attempted at writing it.

_Soon they made it to the secret laur of the dark ones. _

Shepard- If they found it, how is it secret?

Karkat- that has to be the second worst secret lair ever, just behind that one that has roadmap directions for everyone to know where it is.

***TV Trope Refrence 3***

Tex- Another reference?

_At the door was skulls and bones and then they went inside. Inside the floor was made of skuls and the wall of bones and blood pored out of the floor and the walls and the doors were painted in blood._

Shepard- What, did everyone have their period at the same time and not use a pad or anything?

_There was torch made of human skulls with cadanel inside like a pumpin on the walls as well._

Tex-…..This is actually reminding me of a place I had to investigate once.

Karkat- Shit! Really?!

_"What is this palce" said Hagrid and then he herd a noise outside the door. It was the secret nazi attack!_

Shepard- It's not a secret, everyone knows.

***TV Trope Reference 4***

Tex- You guys are overdoing it on the references today.

_So they got the wepons again and ready to figt. 20 nazis come inside with guns and spells and also orc armor. They shot at Aurthr but he used his sheild to delfect the bullet. And then they did a spell and the skull on the wall come alive into skeleons and the skeltons attacked harry poiter and hargird._

Karkat- *Munches popcorn*

_The skeleton growned and run froward in a army to kill gandalf and the rest of the lord of the rings. Gandalg did a magic blast and burn some skeleton and then araggorn swung the sword and cut some sekeltons. Becuase they were made of bones they did not bled but the fell down on the flor dead any way. _

Shepard- *Yawn*

_The skeleons were all ded but one was left and he kill sam with sharp bone finger claws. "Sam" cryed frodo and he stabbd the last sekelton and it died as well. "Poor sam" said indian jones "but at least we killed the skeletons" _

Tex- He doesn't even care that they just got killed. If anyone from my squad died, I would care, I would try to avenge them.

Shepard- I would be pissed.

Karkat…I already had at least half of my friends killed so….I don't think I can handle any more of them dying…

_and then the ringwrath and rest of the nazis attacked. Indian joens pulled a flamethrower out if his pocket and burned the nazis but the armor protected them. _

Tex- The author doesn't care.

Shepard- you can't fit a flamethrower in your pocket kid. You just can't. I've had to deal with enemies using flamethrowers, so I should know.

_"It is no good" showted indian jones. Then the ringwrath did a ringwrath screech_

Shepard- And the skeletons did a skeleton dance, and the ghosts let out a ghostly wail.

_and everyone got sacred and fell on the flor and the celaing made of more skulls starts to colapes in. _

Karkat- For the love of all things! Die already you fucktards!

_It was rain skuls and blod and bones and dead bodies from the screach but Aurthru and lacelto got up and did a masive stab with ther swords and kill the ringwrath._

Tex- That was….very lame.

_Some balck blood spill on the floor and then the ded body disapered._

Karkat- Because Black Blood makes everything family friendly.

***TV Trope Reference 5***

Shepard- Okay, yeah, that is getting annoying.

"_We are the winr" chierd indian jones but then they saw a dor and through he dorr was the man made of blood!_

Tex- The Man Made Of Blood is a shape shifter?

_When hary sor the man mad of blood he scraem _

Karkat- Harry screaming?

Shepard- Impossible!

_and said "Ah it is my arch enemy the man made of blood!_

Tex- Your Arch Enemy would be Voldemort! Or Draco if you think of a rivalry.

_It is realy prof Quirel blood reanimaled into life and also mixed in is some blod from the man who is a rat and also blood from some death feader! Also it is the spirit of the which king from lord of the ring" _

Karkat- ….What?

_"yes" agree Hagrid and then hary said "Quick my freind run away I will fight the man made of blood" _

Shepard- With any luck he'll die.

_and so Aurthr and indian jones and the others all ran away from the blood. "Ha ha ha" laufed the man and he made it rain blod from the seeling and also from the flor and then he set the blod on fire. He turn into a pond of boilin blod and began to swim towoord hary and hargrid._

Tex- I never thought that…A Life or Death situation could be so…boring.

_So hary did a abrava kedarvr spell but it hit the blood and disapareted "Oh no the spell dont work" said harry and then the blod turnd back to a man and said "you cannot harmn me I am the man made of blood"._

Karkat- Obviously.

_"It is true" so then the turn to flee but suddenly through the seling fell aowin from lord of thr rings in a disguise of a man (she had not been kort by spider)_

Shepard- They will all die now, right?

_so they stop runing. "ha ha ha" said the blod and then his other hed on the back of his said "ha ha ha I am the lord volermor head and no man canot kill us"_

Karkat- My head hurts trying to understand this.

_hary did another spell but it mis the blood and so he run behind hargrid and flufy who growl at the blod. "i am no men" yellowed ageowin_

Shepard-

_and sliced the blood with her sword and the blod man bleeded all ofer the flor and the walls and screamd "no no I canot be died" "yes you can"_

Karkat- No I can't.

Shepard- Yes you can.

Karkat- No!

Shepard- Yes!

_said eowhin and took of the disguise "it is a woman" "yes you fool" "oh i am defeated" and then the blood man set of fire and burn away into the wind._

Tex- I… cannot understand any of this.

_"horay" shouted hagrind and hary and then they ran to the others with eyeowin._

Shepard- Who the fuck is Eyeowin?

Karkat- I have no idea.

_Later hary and hargid and iowin and flufy made it bak to the place were the other were waiting. _

Karkat- Do they say where the others were waiting?

Tex- Analysis say negative.

_"What happen" sayed argaron "We fort the man made of blod" "Did you victori" _

Shepard- Did you Victory? Who says that?

_"yes we did" "That is good" and so they carryied on to the scary chaimber of the dark ones headqarters. It was dark but gandaf and harry did a lumos spel (hary had teach some harry pioter magic to gandalf)_

Karkat- He can't teach him magic if he is a muggle.

_so it was alight enuf to walk. They walked for ours and ours and ours maybe even for daes but eventual they maid it to the door of the dark ones headqorters. It was a door make of skull and bone and dead bodi and even some eyeballs in tere._

Tex- Can't they have a group of evil people who are just in possession of a personality that underestimates just how evil they are?

***TV Trooooo00001010***

Shepard-….What…?

Karkat- Did you really have to do that Tex?

Tex- I was tired of the 'Tv Trope References', so yes, I did have to shoot it.

_There was blood poir out of door and handel and floor and a sine paint in black blood "DARK ONE LARE IF YOU ENTER YOU WILL BE KILL" _

Shepard- Who does that?!

Karkat- Lame as fuck villains?

_"look" saud indian jones it is a evil sign _

Shepard- Ah, hello, Captain Obvious.

_"yes" replied legolas and he shot the dor with a arrow to see if he cood open it._

Tex….Why not just open it normally? Grab the handle and open it, an arrow won't work.

_The dor did not move even 1 centeemeter so then argaron hit it with his sword and it fell down on the flor. _

Karkat- Damn that is one weak door.

_Then a lowd voice rung out "the lare is under attack" "oh no it was tarpped" said King Arthr and so they hid in a hole in wall made off skulls. _

Karkat- I know this just sounds like whining now, but for fucks sake this is bad!

_A lot of evil bat came out of door with evil read eyes and bited borhomir_

Tex- Brohomir?

_who did not fit in the hole. Then a big man who was half a bat_

Shepard- The Man-Bat!

Tex- ….

Shepard- Don't give me that look! I loved the Batman series!

_came out of the door and shooted bohirimir in the chest like in the movie with alot arrows. "Argh" yell Bohomir and then Argagorn and Legolass and King aurthr and the other went out _

Karkat- Out on a limb and the limb broke and they all fell into lava. The end.

_but the bat man flewed away with wings and laufed "ha ha ha I am the dark ones general and I am very power you canno stop me form kil borhormir" _

Tex- To be honest, no one cares if Borhormir dies.

Shepard- Boromir on the other hand, we care about.

_And then they tryied to give borhormir some magic healing spels but it did not and then he dieded on the floor and the blod went throw the floor and into the sewer underneth. _

Karkat- This story has the most boring deaths ever!

Tex- I agree.

_"how much more must dyed" say Gandalg sadenly as then they walked throw the door and went to fight dark one._

Shepard- The dark ones are probably just playing Uno while this is happening. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what's happening.

_Inside the door was the final hedqarters of the dark one lair. Eberyone gasp as they sawed the people siting around the evil skul tabel and there was voldermor and Morderd _

Karkat- In place of Voldemort.

_and lick king and the rest._

Tex- Is it impossible for this writer to spell 'lich'?

Shepard- Probably.

_"Ha ha ha you will not excape" they laufed and sudden a trap fell down form the seling and trapped them in a cage. Frodo and gandalf and harry poter and the rest scremed as the lick king did a evil spell and then some zombies came from the flor and they growned. _

Karkat- Why would they scream? These people have been in fights before!

_"Oh no" said indian Jones it is zombies help somebody help!. "There is no one" sayed Morderd and laufed with an evil lauf ha ha ha. Then the zombie clawed at the cage to attack and just as they got in and bited frodo sudden a loud noise._

Shepard- Didn't Frodo die already?

Karkat- I don't even know anymore.

_It was the tardise from dcotor who! _

Tex- No. *Stands up* No. No, no, no, no, no, no, and a thousand times no! I refuse! I deny! Terminate all possibilities of this scenario! Just no!

_"Quick get inside the tardis we must stop the drak ones in the past" so they ran inside before the zombie cold get any. _

Shepard- Oh god, they're destroying The Doctor too!

Tex- *Sits down* No, no, and still no!

_"Ok we will makes a plan to stop the drak ones in the past before they can make the secret lare" "yes that good idea" "we must not send too many" _

Karkat- so they are going about….two days in the past? Okay.

_"ok king arhur and indian jones and gandalg will go" _

Shepard- In best conditions that would be an epic team, but in this? Just-

Tex- No!

_"ok" so r who tooks the rest to castle and put aruthr and indian jones and gandal back into the past with time wrap. In the past it was 20 year ago and then the dark ones had no become on one team yet. _

Tex- No! No!

Karkat- To far back, dipshit.

_"good luck" sayed dr who and then he took the tarduis and flewed back to the real tim._

Shepard- The Doctor wouldn't just ditch them.

_"ok first we go and stop voldermor sayed arthr "ok" relyed indian jones so then they went to sleep to morning then they wold go and kill voldermor._

Tex- No!

Karkat- You don't just go to sleep! Do something before sleeping!

_They woked up in their beds in the morning in the past._

Shepard- What is this? Minecraft?

_Gandaf woke up first and cookes some porrage on a stove for ther brekfast. _

Tex- No!

Karkat- I can understand the need for a fucking breakfast but this is just lazy!

_He lighted the fire with his staf (there is no electricuty in the past) and put some oat and suagr in a pan and cooks until it was made into porage. Then indian jones woke up and said "I want some sosage for brekfast aswell" so he put some sosage on the stove. Then aragron _

Shepard- When did he get here?

Tex- NO!

Karkat- Shut up with the fucking 'no's!

_work up and they eated a bowl of porrage and sosage each until they were ready to go on quest again. "We must stop volderwrot but first we need to find the won ring form the shire"_

Shepard- For the love of, just confront Voldemort with a machine gun why don't you? It would be far more effective.

Karkat- Use it on this story!

Tex- No! No wait! I mean yes! YES!

_said gandalg if we do that we can make relic of powar to sop the drak ones taking over the world. "Yes" agreed indian jones and so thet they set off to shire in hobbittown_

Shepard- Hobbit town?

_for find the ring. The shire was long way away even in the past so they walked for a long long tim many ours and ours. They walked past gondor where argaron lived but as it was past he was not king yet it was still the horrible man who gets burned in a fire in the movie. _

Shepard- No one cares!

_after a long tim they made it to the shire but it was dark so the went to the dancing pony in instead. _

Karkat- like what Shepard said, no one cares.

_Inside was mr butterbean and he said "hello gandalf and argaron and indian jones what can I get you"_

Tex-…how does she know them?...what happened to Arthur? I…I…

Shepard- You okay?

Tex- I no yes I, I, I

_"a room for three pleas and also sone chicken wings and burger for our tea" said gandalf and so butterman giffed them a key and they went upstars to the room I will bring the burger soon said butterman and then they closed the door. they started to make plan to go to shire and get ring from past frodo _

Karkat- that should be hard but for plot reasons it will be easy!

_but then they thought oh no maybe bilbo has it in past instead or even the golum has it in stead. "I dont not no" said indian jones we willfind out in morning. _

Shepard- This writing is just lazy.

Karkat- This isn't even writing.

_"yes" replyoed aragaorn and then the bitterman camed with their burgers nand chicken wing even thow it was past they tasted the same and it was very tasty. they also drank some butterbeer which was made by butterman even though it is really from hogsmeed in hary potter. _

Tex- How do they n0 each 0ther? 1 1 1 10 0100 I-1

Karkat- Fuck! I think I see smoke! Do something!

Shepard- I'm going to hit her, see if this snaps her out.

_"now we must sleep" said gandalg and so they sleeped until morning._

_In the morning they eated some more chicken and burgers and butterbeans and butterbeer and also some porrage._

Karkat- Let's not forget the blood they used to melt our brains with.

_Then they said thanks to the butterman and left to go to shire. they bort a horse from a man each and then rode into the shire. _

Shepard- I would think they would be broke by now.

_"hello hobbit men were is bilbo and fordo house" "hello argaron and gandalg and indian jones it is up on that hill" _

Karkat- Who the fuck is Argaron? What happened to fucking Arthur?

Shepard- They probably forgot about him.

_so they went up the hill and into the house. It was a small house and ther was frodo and bilbo inside smoking a hobbit pipe and eating some cheese. "hello froodo and bildo" said indian jones_

Shepard- I would be suspicious if someone broke into my house.

_and he went and also aet some cheese as it was tasti. "THERE IS NO TIME FOR CHEESE" yellowed gandalgf and he took the cheese and stamped on it._

Karkat- For fucks sake! Over reaction much?!

_"Quick we need the won ring so we can make artifact of poawer to stop dark ones where is it. I dont know about a ring sayed bilbo "oh no golum must have it" said argaron "yes agreed indian jones" _

Tex- No! This is just No!

_so they quickly ran out of house and back onto their hoirses "sorry about the cheese we will buy a new one" said gadanlf _

Shepard- No he won't.

Karkat- You shouldn't lie, Gandalf.

_"but now we must hurry" and so they rided along the path out of hobbittown and to the cave were golum lived. the cave was very dark and very smell and also there was ded fish in it and it was not nice at all._

Shepard- Why can't you be better at descriptive writing?

_"yuk this is horrible" sayd indian jones but we must go in to get the ring" mentioned gandalgf "ok" said Indian jones and so they did on go in. gandlai did a light on his staff and the lite lighted up the cave and so they looked arond for gloum and the won ring. _

Karkat- Is this almost done?

Shepard- We can only hope, Karkat.

_"helllooo" said a voice and it was the glolum and he was sitting ona rock in the nasty cave. "looks whos its iss my preshousses gandalss and indians joneses and aragons theys wants tos takeses ours wons ringses froms uss"_

Shepard- why do they know what's going on! Time travel won't work like that they shouldn't know the other two yet!

_"yes we do" put gandalg "firsts yous musts dos as riddleses withs uss" said goulm (becase in the hobbit book he does a riddle with bilbo) "ok agreed argaorn "I will do the first riddel"._

Karkat- Riddle is probably going to be completely stupid.

_"heres iss thes firsts riddelss" said golum. "what is the nam of that man who can go into the wearwolf form in the third book of harrypotter?"_

Shepard-…. That's not a riddle.

Tex- REMUS LUPIN! Right? Right?!

_hmm that is a tuff sayed gandalg dooes anyone know the ansewer? and they didnt no it. "oh no what will we do if we cant do the riddel we need the own ring for relic of powear! if we cannt make we will be kill by drak ones" _

Karkat- Are they that stupid?! Wait, how does Harry Potter series exist yet?

_cryed aragaron "I know i have a good plan" relied indian jones. "if we go and find hogwarts in the past we can acsk a student for the answer" _

Shepard- How would a student know! This stuff hasn't happened yet! They don't know they're in a book!

_"ok that is good plan" ganalf said and so they decied to go for hogwarts. they got back on horses and rode to the platform nine three forty and went to the train to hogwart. _

Tex- No sense, no logic, this story is losing more and more each word.

_They said inside a cabain and waited for train to get to hogwarts at night. when they gotted at hogwarts they went to griffindar comoon room to find a someone to ask about the wolfman. _

Shepard- Would the students know?

Tex- Answer is negative.

_and then they found ron wrealsy and they said "hello ron" "hello argaron and gandalg and indian jones" _

Shepard- Why does he know them?

_"do you know who is the raerwolf from the third book" _

Tex- They should not know they are in a book. This is breaking the fourth wall, a wall that should remain untouched unless for comedic purposes. This is not a comedic use of the fourth wall. These people need to have a nuke dropped on them right now.

Karkat- Tex….you're really starting to weird me out, more than usual.

Shepard- Tex, you need to calm down.

_yes his name is proffessor lupus_

Karkat- Lupin!

_thankyou and so they had got the clue for the riddle with gollom. They got back on theyr horses and rided to the place wheer goleum _

Shepard- they didn't even use horses to get there, they used a train.

_and the ring was left to soleve the riddle_

Tex- This is not a riddle! This is a riddle;

I see much but change little,  
I am firm, irresolute,  
Powerful but gentle,  
I can rip apart mountains,  
Yet be moved by gentle stirrings,  
I am valued and wasted,  
I am life itself,  
And I give life to others.

What am I?

Karkat- uh…hm….

Shepard- Um…I don't know.

Karkat- Me neither.

Tex- A tree. I'm a tree, you idiots.

Shepard- ouch, harsh much?

_. then back in to the cave. "hello we have the answer" said aragron and then golum came and he said "whats is thes answers mys preshioussess" "the answer is professoir lupus" "yess thats iss thes rights" "Nows yous mysts ones finals riddels tos gets thes wons rings"_

Karkat- Why not use Tex's riddle?

_"Ok what is this ridel I will do it" said gandalt "thes lasts riddles iss yous mustss solvess thes mysteriess of thes huanteds housess ins rohans" and so argaron and fangdalf and indian joens got the horse to rhoan._

Shepard-…The author doesn't even know what a Riddle is, do they? These are just challenges and questions!

_On theyre way to roham they met a mysteri machnine and inside the mahcine were scooby do and velma and daffy and fred and shaggy._

Tex- These time lines are inconsistent! These locations are inconsistent! This story makes no sense!

Karkat- I'm with you.

_"hello" said argoan and then fred said "we are going to the haunted house atr rohan to solve a mysteru" "oh we are go their too" and so they got in the machien with scooby and the rest and went to huanted house at rohan._

Shepard- What's sad is I can see the gang giving a lift to a group of strangers.

_when they arrived the got out and looked at the house it was pained black with broken window and the dor was painted in blord and it said "DO NOT ENTER HUANTED HOSE" _

Shepard- Who wants to enter a haunted hose? Who the hell can even enter a hose?

_and had a crepy metal handale that look like a gargogle. "who will go in first" said shaggy and then indian jones said "I will and so they went in. Insid was some dusty floors and a curtains with a rip in it and a old bookshelve with some old book on and it was very scare. _

Tex-…. It actually sounds like my old Commanding Officer's study.

_"so where is the ghost" said velma "I will make a trap to entrpature it" and so she put a trap door on the carpet _

Karkat- You can't just make a trap door on the floor like that! You aren't in Sburb!

Shepard- How will a trap door affect a ghost anyways? They kind of float you know.

_and then they hid behid the bookshelfe to wait for a ghost to come. after a few ours a white gohst came throw the door and then it fell down into the trap. "noooooo" it scraemed but then the velma and shaggy and indian jones and argaron went and tied it up with a rop. _

Shepard- If it's capable of being tied up, it's not a real ghost.

_"are you the ghost of rohan" said daffy. "yess i aaaammmmm" whaled the ghost and then mask was pul off. it was a old man with a galasses and then he said "I wouldnt have gotten away with it too if not for this meddeling kids! (because that is wat all the mosnters say in the scoodby doo carton) _

Tex- what all the criminals say, they aren't real monsters you moron. But that doesn't make it any better!

_then argaron cut off his head with a sword and it fell on the flor and bled on the floor and then indian jones piecked it up and put it into his pockett._

Shepard- Uh, you just murdered someone in front of a bunch of 'kids'!

Karkat- How the hell is he fitting a head in his pants pocket!

Tex- This is so stupid.

_After theyed got the finfal clue targaron sayed "Now we must kill Volderot before we come bak to the real time." "we will help" said the scooby do people _

Shepard- Oh god their just bringing in more inconsistencies! Why are they doing this? Why!

_"ok" repied indian jones and so they went back to hogwriots on train. "Now we must go and find proffessor snake" _

Tex- His name is Snape.

_so they wented to the teachers coomon room for look for him. insid they gound professor snake and they said "can you show us the lair of voldesor and the death dealers" "yes I can but first I must make a majic potion for the killing of him"_

Shepard…

Karkat-…

Tex-…

_"thank you" and so the snake made his poition and they all went throw secrete passege to the lair of the death feaders. it was a dark pasage and they walked for many ours in drak but eventuall they got to evil lear of deeth feaders. _

Shepard- I'm not even going to comment on how wrong this is anymore.

_it was evil with many evil cymbol on the walls and inside was a army of them and so snake through his majic posion and it esploded and kill all of the death dealders and their blood went all on the flor and boild. Then voldersomr came and he steped in the blood and pioton and he whaled "ouch what is this sorceri" _

Karkat- it's a potion that kills all fuckasses.

_"i am proffesor snake and I am hear to kill you and youre familie!"_

Shepard-…. His family is already dead, Snape.

_and so they did a epik deul. snake did a spelliarmoff spell but it was deflect and then volderomot did a fliepdno but it hit a wall insted. Then they both tyred a abracana dedavara spel but they bownced off each other and failed. _

Shepard- I never thought it was possible…

Karkat- But this magic duel is…

Tex- The most boring one in existence.

All- And the two suck at dueling.

_then galdanf did a magic blast from his staf and vlodermor was turned into 10,000 peces and spred all arownd the room. "noooooooo!" he scraemed but it was too late. (even thow it is past he is still dead in rael tim aswell) _

Karkat- *Slow clap* Congratulations fucktards, you just created a doomed timeline.

_"well done" said indian jones "and now we must to cave to solve the golum riddle, only then we can build a artifect of powar for stop the rest of the drak ones!"_

Shepard- No one really cares. Hey, if you're going to do time travel, why not just go back in time and kill them as babies, since you already fucked the time stream up this far.

_They rode in the mysteruy machine back to the golem and then he said "sos dids yous solvess thes mysertyss mys preccisouses" _

Karkat- That's it, I think I'm going to stick to my Rom Com's.

_"yes we did her is the prof" said gandalf and he showed the head of the huanting ghoist. so gulloom handed the ring. "hooray we have got the won ring" _

All- No one gives a fuck.

_cheared gandalg. "ok what we do next" mentioned argaron. "now we must go back to the real tim and make the relic of powar to sop the drak ones!" "yes that is good" and so they got docrtr who to come with the tardise and take the back throw the time warp. _

Shepard- Let's do the time warp again!

Karkat- Don't ever do that again.

_they met the others at the castel and said "we have got the won ring now we can build relic to expldoe all the dark ones and we can save the world!" _

Tex- I think I would rather let the world be destroyed. I can live with Earth no longer existing. I live on Eden.

Shepard- I have to agree, I can find a place to live on the Citadel.

Karkat- I don't even give a shit about your planet.

_then froido said "how to make the relic" "hmm I dont not no?" repoled indian jones. "I know we can ask gimile he is dwaf and he can do the smithing maybe he can make relic of power aswell. answerd hagridn. _

Karkat- Oh so just because he's a dwarf he can do it. Really?

_so gimli tooked the crystal scull and ring and holey grail and put them all into secet fire to make a artifect of power. "who has the sterngth to use this artifact of power" said gandals _

Shepard- Not you.

_"only a hero can use it". "WE ARE ALL THE HERO!" said king aruthr and he broke the artifact into may peices of different weaons and gived one to each._

Karkat- that would have either destroyed the artifact or diminished it's strength.

Tex- of course it didn't do that in here.

_Aurther had a magic exabluber, lord of rings had magic sawds (except logolas he has a bow instead), harry and profesor snake and hargrind had specal wand, doctor who had a powar screwdiver, the scoodyboo had a magic scooby snakks and indian jones had magik pistol. _

Shepard- Their just putting 'magic' in front of their regular weapons.

Karkat- Magic Scooby Snacks? Seriously?

_"now we are realy to fight the dark ones!" said ageoein. "i agree" said eberyone._

_Meanwhile the rest of dark ones had been billding masive force to take overr the wole wrold. _

Tex- Where can I join this army?

_there was ebil sekelton and zombie and ghost and spiriti and nazis and russian and also daleks from drc_

Karkat- Wait! The Daleks? Daleks are joining them? Was the author on crack when they wrote this?! DALEKS WONT WORK WITH THEM!

_who and ringwreaths and the ringwrath dragons and orcs and darknights from mordered and the lick king had broughted deathwing from the wold of warcraft catatcalsm espansion pack _

Tex- I think there is a point in every story where there is a limit to how far a crossover can go. This has gone past that limit a long time ago.

_and a bunch of more skelton and zombie. the man who was half a bat are the general aswell. "those patecthic heroes cannot sop us!"_

Karkat- Sadly, they can. You should have recruited Lord English.

_roared deathwing and so the armi chared at him and start to march to take over he world. it was the bigest army ever made even bigger than orc army from lord of rings movie there was ober 1 milion soldiers in it aswell. the started to go all ofer the world and attack all the towns and only king aruther and indian joens and the rest could stop them!_

Shepard- No, they wouldn't be able to do that. They would die, with or without magic weapons.

_"but we need more warrior" said gandalg "there is not enouf" and so they went to get more for final battel. they found lancelto and the nights _

Karkat- PFft, forgot about the 'nights'.

_to help and ron and hermoeine and bumbledor_

Tex- Bumbledor?

_and mad eye mouldy from harypotter and also they found some magic armors to wear in the crepy castel _

Shepard- the Creepy Castle is Hogwarts. Thank you very much.

_and some makic potions of healing for medicening them. and then they saw the dark army. "we will battle tomrrow _

Karkat- Tommorow?! The orcs are attacking now! They wont wait for you!

_but now we must get a rest" said frodo _

Shepard- I would have my crew rest on the way there, not post phone the battle for rest!

_and so they had some pizzas and chocolate bisquits for tea and then they sleepd until the morning._

Karkat- This is the laziest team ever.

_in the morning they had some brekfast and did perpaired for the final battel to decied the fate of the world._

Tex- The world was destroyed while you were sleeping.

_In the moring it was the final battle to save the world from the evil armi of drak ones. everyone was ready for the figth agaenst the dark ones and then the dark ones atacked! first was a army of 1000 sekelton and it was lead by a sekelton boss with a horrib helmet made off bones and pianted in blood and then the sjketlons attacked. _

Tex- These people are amateurs. They should have attacked when the others were asleep, ambush when they were least prepared.

_gandalf did a magik and all the skeleton were nocked down but then the second wave arracked! the second army was a army of ghost. _

Karkat- These armies are wimps!

_it was leaded by a big ghost of a dragon that was invissibel and it had blodd dripp from its mouth and clauws_

Shepard- It's invisible, how are they describing it?

_. there was ober 2000 of skeleons aswell and they attacked the people from harypoter and then the ghost did a ghsot whale and then harry pottr got sacried and fell on the flor. _

Shepard- Why is Harry such a coward?

Tex- Bad writing.

_the ghjost dragon cane and he did a ghost breath and the breat hitted profesor snake. professor snake did a abaranka dedarabera_

Karkat- That isn't even the spells name.

_spell to kill the dragon but then the breath was too powarful and he died. "professor snake" cryed ron_

Shepard- What's the death count now?

Karkat- Lost count.

Tex- Don't know.

_"oh no" but the fight conturnued. some zombie came and aatacked the lord of the rings and it was led by a zombie wizard who was a zombvie of the man from hary potter who was evil_

Karkat- Thanks for that great description of which 'evil man' from Harry Potter we are talking about.

_and then he did a spel and it was blast and argaoan was hit! "oh no i am hitted" complyand agaron but legolas did a arrow shot and it kill all the evil zmobie. "good job leoglas" mentoned gimli and then anothur armi attacked. this army had a bunch of ringwrath and some orc and theny attacked scoobu do and the mysteri mahciine._

Tex- The Mystery Machine was their van. Not the team name.

_then velama did a trap and it tarptped all the zombie but then one eated daffy and then fred said "nooo i love you daffy i never did tell"_

Shepard- Yawn.

_but it was too late and a zombie ate her. then fred giffed the magick scooby snaks to scooydoo and shaggy and then they did on a rampase and kill every zombie and sekelton in the whole drak one armi evern the boss skeleon._

Shepard- Oh God

Tex- They are just so…

Karkat- So weak!

_"oh no the armi has been defeeted" sceraemed volcerot "how dare they kill it" "that is bad" agree lick king what will we do now" "we will sent the bat man"_

Shepard- Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Batman!

Karkat- Shepard!

Shepard- What?

_relyed the russian women from indian jones and krystal skull. "ok" said mordered "the bat man is very powr he can kil them" and so the bat man attacked. he had a bunch of evil bat over 5000 _

Shepard- At least it isn't over 9000 of them.

***TV Tro s ***

Karkat- Tex, you broke it.

Tex- I regret nothing.

_off them and also 20 giant bats the size off a elephant_

Shepard- They probably are underestimating the size of an elephant.

_or maybe efen bigger than that. the evil bat man bighted gimli and he died but ten eyeowin did a slash and she hitted the bat man and his blod poored all over the flor and then he sent a giant bat to kill ageowin and then she died._

Shepard- I don't really care.

_"hahaha" laufed the bat man "I am indestrivincible i cannot be killed by anyone not efen agegowin" _

Karkat- No you're not.

_"oh now he is very powar what wil we do agaist the bat man" complayined hagrid "i dont know" said legolas "I know I can sent him back to the past" mentien dr who and so fred and velama did a trap to send the batman into the tradis_

Tex- So they'll screw up the time stream even more? That might just cause him to kill their child selves.

Shepard- These people aren't smart.

_and then he went insid and dr who pulls the lever and sends him back to past tim. "now we must defeat the head drak ones" said argaron "yes" agreed king aurther and then we have saved the wrorld from the evli!._

Tex- I don't care about the world anymore.

_The final battle was contuned and the good team went to fight the head drak ones to save all the people in world. There was mordered, lick king, the ghost of voldermor that had come back to live and also the russoan woman and deathwing and suaron and then they all laufed and said "not even you can stop dark ones we are the most powarful people that ever lived" _

Karkat- No you're not.

_"we will try" said gandalt and then they carged into the fight. gandalf, argaron, gimuili and legolas and frodo fighted the ghost of vodlermor and his death deeler ghost who had made it back from past. indian jones fights saueron. king arthir and lancelt and the knights foughts against lick king and deahthwing. hary ron hagirnd heromeine and bumbledore and mad eye moony fighted the russioan woman and fred velama scooby and shaggy vs mordreed and morgana the evil zorcerses._

Karkat- Who was also Arthur's sister.

_(dr who did not fight as he was taking the bat man back to past time)._

Shepard- That would have only taken a second or two. Time travel, remember. I think he just ditched you guys for more important shit.

_gandalf did a magic blast on the ghost of voldemror but it went throw his bodie and then voldermort laufed "ha ha i am already dead what can kill me now" argaorn tried to do a stab with his magik sword but it didnt work and then frodo said "I know agraorn can sumon the ghost form the third movie to kill voldermor gohst" and so he did sumon them and the lord of ring ghost won._

Shepard- There is just to much wrong with this to even say.

_meanwhile indian jones was fire bullet at sauron and he was hit and he did a evil roar and smashed indian jones with a masive mase like in the movie and indian jones ducked. then he did a shot into swaurons eye and sauron fell down and he died and then his blood poored all down the floor and the blood bioled away._

Karkat- Seriously, these fights could be so much better.

Tex- If the Author could write properly.

_and then king aurthr and kinghts were attacking deathwing and the lick king was riding him and deathwing did a fireblastr and it kill a few knghts._

Karkat- Fuck, they actually spelt knights right, or closer to right.

_"deathwing has destroied the world of watcraft what chance do you have" roared lick king and then lancelot speared deatwhing with a lance and he bleeded fire blood _

Tex- Fire blood?

_and then deathwing died. "deathwing" said lick king sadenly and then he said "i will avanege jim" and he slash lanceltot with his lick king sword and then lacentlot was riped into two pieces. _

Karkat- Well, I think we would care more about his death if the writer made it so we could give a fuck about him.

_"you kill lancelto you monster not so fast I will kill you!" cryed arurthr_

Shepard- You care about the man that fucked your wife?

_and he threwed excaliubr at lick king and it stabed him in the chest and he fell off and died on the floor. and then the harypotter people were fighting the russian and she fired some bullet but hary did a protecoter spell and the bulet was deleflected. and then bumbledore turned her into a rat and she said "no you cannot stop us we are the drak ones" but then hargind stamped on the rat and the harypoter had won. the last battle was scooby do vs mordred and morgana and morgana did a spell on velma and turn her into a frog and then she laufed "we can stop you i am the most powar sorcercess in the world" but then fred used the scoouby snakes and scoby doo attack them and kill with savage bite._

Karkat- What is Scooby a Pokemon now?

_and then all the drak ones were dead and everyone cheered the world is saved!_

Shepard- Ugh. No.

_"but I never did get to keep holey grail" mentioned arthur sadently as they waked back to their homes in the new safety world. afterward all the ones who had not ben killed had a big party with cheese and pizzas and burger and other tasti and eberyone was invited._

Karkat- Is that the ending? Really? REALLY?

The screen went black and the group stood up stretching.

"That was the worst thing I've ever read," Karkat decided as he slid out of the rows of seat, throwing his garbage in the trash.

The two soldiers followed behind him as they walked to the main room, "It was the longest thing we ever read," Shepard pointed out and yawned, "God I am so tired now."

"We were in there for several hours, I'm sure our companions are wondering where we are," Tex explained as she stretched, "But, if anything, I hope we get an easy one next time," She suggested.

Karkat shook his head, "Our Host is a fucking sadist, so I doubt it," He grumbled and walked towards his exit, "Well, bye guys," he said the others waved saying their own goodbyes before leaving.


	6. Story Four: Doomsday Button

It had been almost two weeks since the last story they reviewed, Shepard had almost relaxed into her old schedule when she received an email for her to return to the Theater, her crew had begun to get suspicious, and Shepard was certain Miranda had been trying to follow her, as such she had to take a different route until she was certain she lost any followers.

Now as she saw that neither Karkat or Tex were there and deduced she was again the first one there she went and got her own snacks.

Making her way to the seats, she examined the envelopes on the tray, and noticed the small note attached to the Host's letter for them.

_Wait until both of you arrive._

"Both?" Shepard mused as she sat down, "So, it's only going to be two today? Someone get sick or something?" She mused as she waited for her Co-Commentator to arrive.

After a few minutes, the doors were kicked open and Karkat trudged in, scowl already in place as he plopped down into his seat beside Shepard.

"Hey, Karkat, nice to see you," Shepard greeted the younger and smaller boy.

The troll just nodded, "Likewise," He said before looking around, "Where's Tex?" He asked noticing that their third friend was absent.

Shepard just shrugged as a response, "Don't know, the note says there'll only be two of us today, so maybe Tex got sick?" She offered.

Karkat scoffed at the idea, "Tex? Sick? That's something I never thought I would head," he decided.

The Commander chuckled as she made a noise of agreement, picking up a letter and opening it.

Clearing her throat, Shepard read the letter.

_Hello, Commander, Karkat. I am apologetic to tell you that Tex will not be joining us for today. She has had some things come up and as a result will be unable to join for an undetermined amount of time. Should she return, and I am certain she will, if she wants she may tell you what happened herself._

"So, Tex just got busy? If I knew that was all it took to avoid coming to this shitstain place, then I would have done something to occupy my time a long time ago," Karkat grumbled as they continued to read.

_The story you will be reading is a more unusual one, a My Little Pony story. I think it's time to destroy any childhood nostalgia movies and things with this story._

_Now sit back and enjoy, though I know you wont._

Shepard and Karkat exchanged looks both curious and annoyed.

"That really doesn't hold any optimism," Shepard pointed out.

Karkat just crossed his arms over his chest and looked away, "Well, it can't be any worse than that last one we reviewed," As if to emphases his point, Karkat shivered at the memory of the clutter of crossovers and plot holes in the last story.

Leaning back, Shepard watched the screen as the theater went dark, "I know, I don't think anything can compare to that."

* * *

_It was a sunny, clichéd day in Ponyville. Celestia's Sun was high in the sky, and ponies below were doing whatever the Hell it is they do._

_ In particular, one magical talking horse with a horn was studying instead of hanging out with her friends. _

Shepard- Isn't that everyday for Twilight? And she's a pony, not a horse.

Karkat- Technically she's a unicorn. Why the fuck do these people lump all four, and yes four, I count Celestia and Luna as an entirely other fucking species, as ponies?

Shepard- Makes it easier?

_She really needs to stop studying for one God damn second so she can hang with her friends._

Shepard- So fucking true! I agree with you narrator!

_ Her name was Twilight Sparkle. She had a servant named Spike, who had no free will of his own. _

Karkat- Oh my fucking Jegus, this person isn't writing a bad story, their writing the truth behind My Little Pony!

Shepard- ...It's scary to think about, but it's true. Spike is her servant and oh God!

_On this day, Spike was being forced to clean all the toilets in town, even the toilets at the Taco Bell across the street (God knows what that was like). Twilight, however, was enjoying her studies because she's a nerd with no life._

Shepard- So

Karkat- Fucking

Both- True.

_Twilight decided to go outside for once, but once she made it out, the light blinded her_

_"MY EYES!" she screamed._

Shepard- I think she just became the embodiment of all those teens who have no life and lock themselves in their room to play on their computers or the extranet.

Karkat- In my defense, my planets sun will fucking blind you, my species is nocturnal for a reason you know.

_All the ponies around looked at her for a second, then they all went, "Meh," and continued on._

Shepard- I really like this story. I think the Host was exaggerating on how bad it was.

Karkat- I know, I'm actually enjoying this for once!

_Twilight needed something to do, so she went over to Rarity's regal residence._

_"Rarity, open the damn door!" She yelled._

_"Go away! I'm busy!" Rarity yelled back._

Shepard- Yeah, don't distract the pony that makes all your clothes.

_Little did Twilight know that Rarity had been having sex all day. Her marehood was very worn out._

Karkat- Eww. Just fucking gross.

_Twilight then decided to go to Applejack's farm, but turned away when she remembered that Applejack was a background pony,_

Shepard- I take offense at that!

Karkat- Applejack is fucking awesome.

_ and as such, wasn't worth visiting. _

Karkat- You fucking jerk!

_So she went to Pinkie Pie's bakery._

_"Yo Pinkie! I'm here to steal all yo cupcakes and shit!"_

Shepard- No! You do not mess with Pinkies cupcakes!

Karkat- Never! Haven't you ever read Cupcakes!? She'll make you into a fucking cupcake!

_I forgot to mention that Twilight's a Gangsta._

_Pinkie said, "Stay away from my cupcakes, bitch! Come near them, and I'll cut you!"_

Shepard- Is it scary that it's not hard to believe she'll act like that?

_"Then have a nice day, ya filthy animal," Twilight said._

Karkat- Racism even among ponies, great. Just fucking great.

_Pinkie pulled out a M1911 and shot at Twilight while Twilight ran from the store. One of the bullets hit Twilight in the head, and she died._

Shepard- I'm still enjoying this but that was just fucking weak.

Karkat- Pinkie doesn't have fingers, how's she using a gun?

Shepard- How do they use anything that you need fingers for?

_ But, suddenly, an alicorn flew down. He was red with a black mane._

Shepard- Lieutenant Vantas, we seem to have been confronted by a Gary Stu, in the form of a Male Princess.

Karkat- Understood, Commander Shepard, will unleash the attack in five...four...three...two... one... FIRE!

_He revived Twilight and said, "I revived you. Let's have sex."_

_And Twilight was all like :D_

Shepard- Cerberus revived me and I wasn't eager to have sex with Miranda, thought never crossed my mind, so why should Twilight be happy for it?

Karkat- She's a slut?

Shepard- Makes sense.

_But suddenly, Pinkie ran out of the store with her M1911 and shot a whole mag at the alicorn. The alicorn died and Twilight ran away._

Shepard- Well, not a Gary Stu apparently.

Karkat- One weak ass Alicorn. They are supposed to be the most fucking powerful ponies out there.

_"And stay away from my store, you coward!" Pinkie yelled at Twilight._

Shepard- Actually it's Mr. and Mrs. Cake's store, not yours.

_Twilight ran all the way to Rainbow Dash's house. Rainbow Dash, the lesbian of the group,_

Karkat- That's not nice, I thought she had a crush on that Sorin guy.

Shepard- I think she has a crush on every Wonderbolt.

Karkat- Good point.

_ was flying around because that's all she ever does._

Karkat- I rarely see her walk.

_Twilight yelled, "RAINBOW DASH! GET YO FAT ASS DOWN HERE!"_

_Rainbow Dash yelled back, "SUCK MY DICK, BITCH!"_

_So Twilight pulled out Pinkie's M1911 and shot Rainbow Dash._

_Rainbow Dash yelled, "HA BITCH! I'M BULLETPROOF!"_

Shepard- Rainbow Dash; Best pony out there.

Karkat- Well that's up for debate.

_Rainbow flew off towards Ponyville Hospital. Twilight followed her. Twilight charged up a spell that would kill Rainbow Dash when she was hit._

Shepard- Hey, Karkat, why is Twilight trying to kill her friends?

Karkat- I don't even know.

_Twilight had a clear shot of Rainbow Dash, so she fired the spell. The spell went straight through Rainbow Dash and hit the hospital. The hospital exploded._

_Twilight looked on in horror. She had just killed everypony in the hospital. __She was a monster. _

Shepard- So, destroying a hospital makes you realize that, but trying to kill your friend doesn't?

_But, she felt truly powerful for once. She realized that she should be in control of Equestria. So, she randomly started killing off ponies in the street. Twilight burned down the library and filled the town hall with water. She killed the mayor and assumed control of the town._

Karkat- I doubt she would do it that easily.

Shepard- I wouldn't be so quick to assume that, Karkat. Shepard's special skill is Magic in general, and it's up for debate that she may be the most powerful unicorn in existence. So yeah, she probably could do all this shit. Until all this chaos woke up Discord and he kicked her ass because, you remember, he has that ability which can take away her magic.

_ Ordering her subjects to invade Canterlot, she wrote a final letter to Celestia:_

Karkat- Really? Celestia and Luna could kick her ass without even trying. Her brother has that shield remember?

_Dear Princess Celestia,_

_Fuck you. I hate you, bitch. Get your fat ass off my throne. Be there in five._

_Your successor, _

_-Twilight Sparkle_

Shepard-... It would have been so funny if that actually happened in the show, her sending that letter to take over the throne.

_She sent the letter before rounding up Rarity, Pinkie, and Fluttershy._

_She said, "You three be the only ponies who can defeat me, and as such, I must get rid of ya. Or, at least, two of you. Rarity, you be fired."_

_Twilight again pulled out Pinkie's M1911 and shot Rarity in the head._

Karkat- That... actually sounds like how our Empress fired people.

_"Pinkie," Twilight continued, "You also be fired."_

_Twilight shot Pinkie through the head._

_"Yo Fluttershy! you get to live. I'll even send you to a parallel world of your choice."_

Shepard- Send her to that Pony MOV world where she's a deranged killer. Let her grow a quad and come back and kick Twilights ass.

Karkat- Or tame the Discord there like she did here, and have him eat Twilight.

Shepard- That works too.

_"Oh, I'd like to go to a dimension where I don't already exist. But, if it's not too much trouble, can you send me to a dimension where they are ponies?"_

_Twilight said, "Of course!"_

_Twilight opened the portal and shoved Fluttershy through. _

Shepard- I can't stop laughing. Hahaha!

_With Fluttershy out of the way, she marched on Canterlot, playing "The Stars and Stripes Forever" as she went._

_Celestia heard the fantastic fanfare that went on forever. She decided to do something besides sit around and raise the sun. She ran to Luna, who was in the middle of a three-way between herself, Cadence, and Shining Armor._

Karkat- Ew! Just fucking ew!

_ Celestia shot all three with Pinkie's M1911, _

Shepard- How does everyone keep getting that?

_because she wasn't invited. Then, she mind controlled all of Canterlot into fighting Twilight and her rather small army. When Twilight easily killed everypony in Canterlot, Celestia had no other choice. She ran to her throne, and pulled Pinkie's M1911 out. She aimed it at the door._

_Suddenly, Twilight flew in through the window, knocking the M1911 from Celestia's grip._

Karkat- I don't think Celestia would go down that easily.

Shepard- But hey, now that there is no Elements of Harmony, guess what?

Karkat- Canterlot is so screwed! Ha!

_Twilight stood over the fallen female fascist and said, "Yo, we coulda been a perfect team. But you had to go and fuck that up, didn't ya."_

_Twilight grabbed Pinkie's M1911 and leveled it at Celestia's face. Celestia suddenly got up and ran over to the throne. Throwing the throne away, she revealed a royal red button._

Shepard- Why not use magic, Celestia? You can control celestial bodies for the love of god! Send her to the Moon!

_She said, "Any last words?"_

_Twilight said, "Yeah, I got a few. Fuck you, bitch. I hate you and yo country. And I'll see you in Hell."_

Karkat- It's your country too, Princess Twilight.

_Celestia pressed the big button. In a second, Canterlot Castle cracked in two and collapsed in on itself. The rest of Equestria was caught in disaster after Canterlot Mountain turned into a volcano. All of Ponyville was destroyed by a tornado that went out of control after Rainbow Dash was killed. Fillydelphia was flooded. Manehattan was burning. Vanhoover was covered in snow, so it was business as usual. All of Equestria was suddenly pulled into a black hole that was created when Pinkie's M1911 shot a diamond, which collapsed in on itself and created a black hole._

Shepard- She has a button that can start Armageddon?

Karkat- Awesome!

Shepard- Very awesome.

_Twilight woke up with a jolt._

Karkat- It was a dream?

Shepard- Makes sense.

_"Oh, thank Celestia that was only a dream."_

_The moral of this story is: If you are a nerd, don't go outside. You will cause the end of the world._

Karkat- True, so fucking true.

* * *

The lights turned on and both the Troll and Soldier were bent over laughing. Finally composing herself, Shepard wiped a tear out of her eye and couldn't wipe the smile from her face.

"Oh god, that was just, that was just awesome," She finally said in a wheezing voice.

Karkat nodded trying to get up but his legs wobbly from all the laughter, "I kind of feel bad Tex couldn't have been hear to enjoy this," He pointed out.

Shepard shook her head, "Remember? Tex's mind runs on pure logic, this might have killed her."

"Any of the stories we've reviewed might have killed her," Karkat pointed out as they made their way out of the theater.

Shaking her head, Shepard changed the subject, "But that story was great, I haven't laughed that hard in a good while," She admitted, "I wonder if it was the Host's way of apologizing to us for all the horror we faced with that last story."

Karkat shrugged, "Would make sense, give us a hard one, then let us relax with a fun one," He said, "But that suggests that he has some fucking empathy."

"True, so true."

* * *

**Tex will return, so if you have any questions for her, you can still ask, any questions for characters that do not appear in the next chapter will be held until they reappear. **

**REview and leave a question for the characters or a comment on the story.**


	7. Story Five: Magic Cat Nonsense

**So, everyone. The poll is still up for which of the three characters to get the first Special Chapter.**

**You guys can still send questions for the characters to answer, this is so you can understand them more, for those who never read Homestuck, or want to know about Shepard (Since every Shepard is unique) or want to know about Tex.**

**Actually, is anyone even reading this story? Seriously, is anyone reading this? If so please let me know. I don't like writing if no one reads it.**

* * *

Karkat was already in his seat when Shepard arrived, giving her a curt greeting, he fell deeper into his seat, glaring at the screen.

To make it short, he had a bad day today, he had to deal with Kanaya and Rose's giggly shit, Dave and his horrible 'sick fire's' and just about everything that could happen to piss him off happened.

It was almost a relief for him when he remembered that he had to go to the Theater today.

_Almost._

Taking her seat beside him, Karkat reached for the envelope that had their letters.

"No Tex today?" Shepard asked curiously as he ripped the letter open.

"Nope, letter said there would only be the two of us again. She must be pretty busy, it's been a week," He noted as he began to read the letter.

Shepard gave a simple shrug as he read.

_Welcome back, I do apologize if this is cutting into any of your own schedules, but the audience likes you guys._

Karkat snorted, "What audience?" He asked.

"Remember the first day? We mentioned they might be watching us," Shepard reminded him.

"Oh, yeah great," Was the sarcastic response before all attention returned to the letter.

**So, where are you? Like, how far are you in those 'three years' thing? Hows everyone doing?**

Karkat shrugged after reading his letter, "So far, we just passed the 'one year' mark for humans, it's not that bad. I still hate Strider, platonically," He added with a offhand gesture.

"I never get to see Kanaya without Rose," He added and scowled, "I swear the two are attached at the hip or something!"

Shepard chuckled and smiled at him, "That bad, huh?" She asked as she picked up her own letter.

**Who do you like more? Jack or Miranda?**

Shepard gave a nervous chuckle, "Well," She began and stood up doing a salute, "As a Commanding Officer, I can't like any more than the other," She lied, "Besides, if I say I like one more, they might kill each other," she admitted with a nervous laugh.

"You're afraid of some guy and girl?" Karkat asked incredulous.

Shepard just shook her head, "Jack's a girl two, and I have a right to be afraid of them. They're Biotics, powerful biotics. I'm just an infiltrator."

"If you say so," The young troll said reaching for the letter from their Host.

_While we do hope you enjoyed your last story, and you seemed to have enjoyed it a great amount more than the others, it is time to give you another Crossover story, another Harry Potter Crossover story, a crossover between Warriors and Harry Potter._

Shepard shook her head, "The hell is with all these Harry Potter stories?" She asked.

* * *

_The sOtry of kawaiiiflowa_

Shepard- Who? What?

Karkat- The fuck? Is that supposed to be Kawaii Flower?

Shepard- What kind of name is that anyways?

_hai guyz z dis story is my first stry nd this is my first story_

Karkat- Thanks for repeating that, so now we do know for a fact that this is your first story and as a result will fucking suck.

_ x33333 my freidns are really nice nd they are helped edit the splieng,_

Shepard- Obviously they didn't do a good job. Did they even do anything for the spelling?

_ but i am still pretty :3_

Karkat- Yeah! And my blood isn't candy red!

_Once Upon A Time During A Dark Stormy Night_

Shepard- Stop! Stop right there! You do not use that beginning! That beginning is for Disney, fairy tales and bedtime stories!

_ It Was Thunderinging And Lightininghing A Very Perty Kittn Was Born She Was Hot Pq3ink_

Karkat- Wait, this is a Warriors Crossover right? How the fuck is there a hot pink kitten?!

Shepard- I thin it was Pq3ink, and that isn't even a color.

_ And Very Sexy_

Karkat- I'm going to point out that this is a fucking KITTEN, meaning the animal equivalent of a FUCKING WRIGGLER! Or a Baby in human terms. THEY CANT BE SEXY.

_ And AllThe Gyuz Rlly Luved_

Shepard- Obviously a Mary Sue.

_ Her her Wingd were neon YelLow and purple Sparkleds._

Karkat- This is WARRIORS, they don't have wings, fucktard.

_ The Had the fangs of Jakob nd They sparkles. (AN: EDWARD SUKKKKZZZZ!111!)_

Shepard- This is a cat right?

Karkat- Someone is obviously into bestiality.

_ her ies wer the color uf a SunSet setting in2 a mountain with A butkgntifulz C by et._

Shepard- The…

Karkat- …Fuck?

_ Her mum was uglyyyyyyy _

Shepard- But you know what, at least she had a mom!

Karkat- Opening up old wounds or something?

Shepard- Yeah, no. Just already pissed off at this story.

_but dade but was hannndsomm !111!1! thi her tal loked like a raynbo _

Karkat- This is the ugliest cat I have every fucking seen.

Shepard- Apparently the author thinks this is a sexy cat.

Karkat- Sexy and Cat should never be next to each other. Never.

_and wenever I tuched anyone it wud explodifyingish dem. _

Karkat- Its like trying to learn a fucking new language just to read this!

_Her feetzes were like butiful dancres and claws were turkoiz and spotted yellow! Al thu cats were jelus of her._

Shepard- I wouldn't be, I would be wondering if she was sick or something cause THAT IS NOT NATURAL.

Karkat- That's fucked up is what it is.

_ Her sistur silvershimmerRiivr_

Karkat- Silvershimmerriver? The fuck is with these names?! Why can't they have normal Warriors names like Foxclaw or Rainwhisker? Or Silverpond?!

Shepard- Bad OC's is what it is.

_ wus soooooo jelous so She TrIED To KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL her! _

Karkat- Why didn't she succeed?

_And her dad was all like ooooopoooo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO u xant do thhhat BeKuSUS kawaiikittent is buutoifil._

Shepard- Worst dad ever.

_den, buustar came frum da sky _

Karkat- What? Like an angel or something.

Shepard- Had this been a battle, and not some stupid scene, it might have been cool.

_and said 'LOLOLOLOLOL IMA TERN U AL 2 NEKOS ND U HAVE 2 GO TO TH EGPTTA HOGWARTZ ND KEEEL MODYPORT LOLOLOL'_

Shepard- Trollstar?

Karkat- What? What are you talking about?

Shepard- Sorry, I mean Internet Troll not Alternian Troll. She's kinda acting like an internet troll.

_WAT WIL HAPENN NEXT?!OMGOMGOMGOMG_

Karkat- Next on Stupid Magic Cat Crossover; The ugly Hot Pink cat gets run over by a semi-truck. No one gives a fuck.

_I HOP U RLY LEIK THIS BEKUZ I WORKED HARD ON TIT._

Shepard- Heheheh

Karkat- You didn't work hard on it at all.

_ IF NOT ZOLOWIL PWN U!11111_

Karkat- Who the fuck is that!

_shadofallen21 : TANKS fur yor wunderfl Revuw! _

Shepard- I think I should send this person as the decoy next time I attack a Merc base.

_Actullay, i dunno wut da storeez are but i BeT deey gunna be GOOD!1! But i dunno what marysue Is?_

Shepard- A Mary Sue is a character that is like your character, so perfect that we, the readers, hate them, and is usually a 'protagonist'. Basically it's Little Miss Perfect At Everything Everyone Loves Her Everyone is Jealous of Her.

Karkat- It's a monstrosity of an OC.

_ Is it a cat name becuz Mary issa person name so._

Karkat- NO IT IS NOT A CATS NAME! Oh God, there were cats with people names in the book! Barley! Hal! Jet!

Shepard- Why is she so stupid?

_NO FLAMING FLMMERS R RLY MAN DX_

Karkat- I am a man, thank you very much.

Shepard- I am not a man, thank you very much.

_anywez, im gunna star the storry._

_Sho! As u remembuh, KauaiiFlower Kitte_

Karkat- Her name reminds me of cauliflower.

_ Wuz now A NEKO! :D _

Shepard- You know when a story uses smiley faces like that in it, it's awful.

Karkat- If the spelling, grammar and plot didn't already tip you off, that is.

_But she didunt now how to get too Howarts. _

Shepard- Why would she want to go to Hogwarts, a school run by TWOLEGS?

Karkat- Bad plot is a bad fucking plot.

_But bluestuh was like, I can TEulport U!"_

Shepard- Bluestar isn't like that at all! Ugh!

_ And so she appeeered at HOwgworts._

_Eferywon at Hogwarts was like WOAH becuz she wus soooooooo prety._

Karkat- Are you sure they aren't staring at her because she's a fucking NEKO?!

Shepard- Even in Harry Potter that is not normal!

_ she waz EVEN MORE BYUTIFULLER!:3 OMG!_

Karkat- She wasn't even pretty to start with!

_ She wearin book fishy ñet TITS and booooots with red ans soilvvr bows ans skulls ans hells she goot a neon pink corset it goot lass and shimmering ribbonMY wings jet black like the mmmmmmoooooonnnnnmnn _

Shepard-….I've been to the moon…the moon isn't black, not even close.

Karkat- Is this person a fucking retard or something?

_!' XDDDDF Mini skirts be pale Blak ! SsoooOOOOOOOOOOO hooooootttTTTTTEy she omged becuz she waz shy abot efrywun starring._

Shepard- Then go change clothes into the actual Hogwarts uniform!

Karkat- Why the fuck is she there anyways?

_ She hided in a cornur until Dumbley door came and was like, WOW pretteh kitteh, come to GRIFFENDoor._

Karkat- Just one! Just one mother fucking story we review, that has Dumblefuckingdor in character! All I want is one!

_ there will be tea and crumpets and little finger sandwichs fur lunch YAAY! NO! saddded snoop and lumpkin(he turnnned 2 slytherin cuz hes ASSUMM and wer wolf) _

Karkat- You can't swap houses, fucktard.

_" be slytherinn insted, AnD we eat ice cream! And kauaiiflower was all like OOO ice cream= fat _

Karkat- This story equals frothing looneyblocks nonsense!

_, so NO! And den they were sadd. Dey criid teers of blod._

Shepard- I see what you did there.

_ Den KauaiiFlowerWhisperstuff (dat wus her noo name)_

Karkat- Why in Alternia does she need a new fucking name?!

_ ran off to the surtin hat and sed, make me RAVENclaw, cos i sOO smart!_

Shepard- Egotistic much?

Karkat- Right here in the theater, the only person I would accept hearing 'Cause I'm so smart' from without going through a psychedelic fucking freak out on idiot drugs is Tex.

Karkat- Because with Tex, she means her intelligence is on a different level because, from what I've gathered from talking to her, she basically had intelligence downloaded into her brain?

Shepard- Yeah, I never understood it that well either.

_ And the hat wuz all like, KK! Sur thing! Yall be goin to Ravenclaw today!""" _

Shepard- I think she would be better suited for Hufflepuff.

Karkat- Don't dis that House! They are way out of her legue.

_d asurtin hatt had been hipnotised earlyer by..._

Shepard- By who?

_KANNYAY west! Now da surtin hat did everyfing Kauaiiflowerraindbow sed! _

Shepard- Oh, so they can't sort students into houses the natural way anymore. Big deal.

_"Am hed of RavenCLW (cos am so smrt) So you can com wif ME!" _

Karkat- She doesn't even know magic! Oh God this is the worst piece of shit I've ever had been forced to fall backwards into!

Shepard- No, that would have been that Holy Grail one.

_And she did. dne kanyay wesst waked in and he waz da noov hedmastur cuz hes so cool and the hed mastur!_

Shepard- This is making less sense the further we get.

_okey i hop u enjoyedd dis chapta _

Karkat- No, we didn't!

_OMG KANAYAY WEST is sooooooooooo cooool!_

Shepard- I will refrain from commenting on the 'cool' factor. But yeah, that isn't an excuse to put him in here.

_ lik last tim if dunt enjoy it ZOLO WILPWN U! OMG! BA_

Shepard-… We can take him.

Karkat- He's just a nook liking, bulge sucking grub compared to us.

Shepard- And I continue to understand little of your insults.

_OK! TANKs 2 all ma frends fer helpig wif da spellig and stoff! U GUYZ ROK! OK hop u enjoy333_

Shepard- You're friends must not exist if this is your spelling.

Karkat- ….Is it just me or does that sound a little like Tex?

Shepard- Shit, her way of talking must have rubbed off on me! Crap I don't want that kind of voice!

_XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD_

_KKKKK. aneweys. So, dah Kauaiiflowerrainbowpuff went to ravENcluw an sheh wuz like, WOAH. Das such an ASOME place!_

Karkat- Ravenclaws are awesome.

_ ANd kanyay sed, a know, rite? AND THEN! A bunch uf peeple crwded around Kauaiiflower and _sed_, "WOW thats uh prety NEKO! !" _

Shepard- Karkat, I think it's Neko season. Should we inform the students that the hunt is about to start?

Karkat- Do it.

_Dey all awr admirin her when suddenly, MoldiVort_

Karkat- That is the best version of Voldemort I have ever seen.

_ jumps in! And hes like, I will KILL u all! even da prett nekko over tere!_

Shepard- This makes little sense, and why does everyone cair about the Neko!

_ But Kauaii sezs, NO, Vorty! U carnt du THAT, becaus dis horgworts is GARDED! " And voldy's sayses, O right. Opps." and den he flys away on an EVIL cloud of DARKNESSES and thunderinging and EVIL!_

Karkat- So? SO! HE broke in so he must have gotten past those fucking guard! FUCK!

Shepard- I think he was just for the sake of putting in Voldemort. No real plot.

_ And evry un is SCARdIED. But Kauaiiflowermagic clams them byy saeing some majicl chants_

Shepard- She's. A. Cat.

_ and siging wif her voyse of a godes De prefect is so impressseesssed _

Karkat- Gods of the Perfect? What!? What!

_that he seys, wow u shoud be prefect, not ME . But shez soo polite she sezes, "dats oK tanks!" _

Shepard- I hate this story. It's a failure of a trollfic.

_and hes so hippy tha he fulls in LUV wit her._

Shepard- She's a Neko, she is not at all part human. THEY ARE FALLING IN LOVE WITH A CAT.

_ den suddenly fred flys out ov da sky and is just lik OMG kawaiiflowerwillowrainbowstuff iluv u! and shes lik all the boyz in RAvenclaws al liek her tooo!_

Karkat- Oh sweet almighty taintchaffing fuck! This is just an excuse to write about bestiality!

_And so duz kanyay west and dubble door and snaep and luppinnnnnn! (lupinnlumpkinlupinlupinlupinlupinlupinlupinluppin luppinloopinnnlupinn llupinluuupinlupinlupin!)_

Shepard- The everlasting fuck?

_But den freeddd seays, I shal pruv thi four me!(wich maid allll da udder gurls jelluz of kawaiiflowarainbowilo cuz shez butter then dem and so dey all hatted herDX)_

Karkat- Shes a fucking CAT!

Karkat- The only person who could start a legitment romantic relationship with her-

Karkat- And let me say that this would be a fucking HATE relationship because there is no other feeling someone can feel for a bulge sucking bitch like her,

Karkat- but the only one who would be willing to enter a kismesistude with her, a God damn CAT

Karkat- IS NEPETA! Because she seems to prefer pretending to be a cat than being a fucking Troll!

Karkat- But no! I wouldn't even allow Nepeta to enter any Quadrant with this freak in the most platonic way because Nepeta doesn't deserve to suffer that kind of punishment!

Karkat- Yes, because a relationship with Cat Freak here is a Grade A Punishment!

Shepard-…Feel better now that you had that rant?

Karkat- No. Oh fuck no.

_ And den he jumps on a brum and explodes! and den he dies but then kawaiiflowerpufflupinluver goes offer tu him and hez alive agane! SO she is liek, OMG she sez, UR rite! and then shez like yay! _

Shepard- Bestiality and plot holes at it's finest.

_BUTT then..._

_ITS her sisster, bak frum the dead, and shes about to attak! 2 B cuntinued!_

Karkat- When the fuck did her sister die?

_Nicce clifhangger, huH? AR u ecited? IAM!Dunt flamm da story or ZOLO WILL PWN U!_

Shepard- Zolo is a fucking whimp.

_Helolololoo! how ryu doin guyz? Sho I bett ur ecsited abowt da new chapta!_

Karkat- NO!

_I AM! az u rememba, Kauaiflower's SISTA came back an shez gunna KIALL herr!_

Shepard- It would make more sense if you told us she died in the first place!

_ or is she.? ? find owt! Arnd Dun FLAMBE du storee, az u no.. Go flamme ur own stry!_

Karkat- Who the fuck would flame their own story?!

_ or mebby dat merrry soo girl peeple r alwayz takin abowt._

Shepard- A Mary Sue is a fucking character category!

_ I dunno. ENNYWAYS! UNJOy!_

Karkat- How can anyone enjoy this fucking torture.

_SoO, hr sistuh, stormywindyclowd _

Shepard- I thought it was SilvershimmerRiver or some dumbshit like that?

_is cuming down and ataking! HER clwes awr owt an shez hsses, "DINT ESSPECT ME DID U?/?"_

Karkat- I don't think anyone expected this piece of shit to get this far.

_ (strmywindy, bah du way, is verry soverr. like VERY sliver. hshez so slver its like ur lukin at REAL SILVERIR!_

Shepard- Hence why the color is called SILVER.

_ arnd shez sooper shanee. BUT NOW, shez eeeevul, sho hr fur is ReD arnd BLACg tu!_

Shepard- Because Allegiances mean your fur can change color.

_ LIAK BLud! her eyes are orange n blak an her SILvrrr tale is grey and SILVUR!) _

Karkat- SWEET ALMIGHTY TAINTCHAFING FUCK NO ONE CARES!

_al duh bess ar scarried like ONOOOOOO!, but nut Kawaiiflouermagiksupppertwist sheh pshes off FREddy off the brum,_

Shepard- What a major fucking bitch.

_ and flas up to FITE! oooooooooooooooOOOOOO nnnnnoooooo kawiifuflwer ne a Gooa Kil U :( sorry u cant kill me im immortal an boolsare GoT Me speial PoWERs NECKO POWER _

Shepard- Bluestar is just doing this to fuck with everyone.

_GGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stormywindyclowd said ! fant i die no and IWiol come bkkke 4 U to kill u ya she deed nnnnO omG_

Karkat- What the fuck?!

_me stOry amazind plot twist so godddd if ya dont likee,mes tforyh gbdie a death be mee_

Shepard- I can barely understand this anymore.

_ Go twilight JACKOOB ! me spelling got better rikght_

Karkat- I think it got worse!

_An DONT FLAM, or ZOLO WLL PWN YOU! WITHFIERBALLZ!_

Shepard- I would like to see him try!

_HRloooooo! Sho du u liek it? sco exitting orighrt relly gooog,y what will sromy do nekt oooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOKOO i cant waaite !_

Karkat- I think we all know how this is going to end.

_yaaay ago saved USss oomoooo gggoooD gggggggoooooooooOOOOO kawaiiflower so preertey PAARTY TIME in ur orher !_

Shepard- Wait, what? Did we miss something?

_ yey dey yeeyed. but DEn, she sed, Okaykay. den dey PARTYYYed ~ dne Kanyey camee and wus like, KK time to go too obed also mee, frid, lupinn ad snap r in luv wif u and we wana mak oot wif u _

Shepard- At least their blunt.

_and she wus lik kawaiiflowa went tu de batroom and brusheeed hr teeph. Firts she brusshed hr gums, den de bak of herr buttum teeph, then the tup of her bottom teeph. Nowz her bottum teeph werr awl sprakly sparkly. Den shee sprakled up hre teeth effenn more. _

Shepard- There is a thing about writing, you need to know when to get descriptive and when to back the fuck off.

Karkat- This is one of those back the fuck off moments.

_Den she tok the tootbrush an brushed up hr topp teeph. den hre top gum den hre tongu. den fee brussshed her fanges. shee brushed dem eextra prty so dey sparkled and wer blue and SPARKLY SPARKLYED. n her teeph looked SOOO prfect, shee tougt._

Karkat- Egotistic bitch!

_ but der wuz sumting missiin. sheee needed to bruff the rooof of her mouf! sho she rushed n brushed till duh roof of hr mouf sparkled toooooooo! _

Shepard- I've had the roof of my mouth sparkle before. It wasn't good. I was in the Medbay for weeks.

_! her mouf shimerd and sparkled, adn shined, and glittred, an gleemd and glimmred an tinkled an flshed an flared an lit up an glowwed an gleinted an winkled an bedazzzled an beammed an rediated AN WS SOOO SPAKLEY,_

Karkat- I feel like I'm going to puke. Let me guess, she vomits up sparkles!

_ Mor den EDword who SUX! (an hee wuz jellus!) lil di see no dat her sis wuz wchig her an reddy 2 keeellll heeerrrrrr!_

Karkat- Why not put rat poison on her toothpaste! That'd kill her!

_SHo nut mush of a plowt twist BUT u WAIITTT! n hop u likeed it, or else... u kno it alreddy. _

Karkat- and we don't care.

_Berware of ZOlo pwning!1 _

Shepard- I don't fear anything a person who doesn't know what a Mary Sue is says.

_YOLOYOLOYOLOYOLOYOLOYOLOYOLOYOLOYOLOYOLOYOLOYOLOYO LOOOOOOOOO! :DD:DDD:D:D:DDD:DDD:DDD::DDD:D:DDD:D :))));):))):)))):)'):))):::)));):))))::'')))_

Shepard- Ugh, I have a headache coming now.

_OMGgg!11111 hi hoow zit gin. thaks 4 da revoows!N also wuts a tororl?_

Karkat- I'm a fucking troll. But the kind you mean is, Shepard explain it!

Shepard- Someone who writes things in the sole interest of pissing people off. Like you.

_ iz it gud? ibet itt iz!_

Shepard- So blindly optimistic…

_ dis stry is awwwsummmm33:DDDdz! taks agan 2 ma frenzz 4 helpon wif da speellig! OK! LEZ GO A :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!_

Karkat- I know this is a troll story, but the Authors Notes is what makes me doubt it.

_OK11! sooo ass u remba kawaiiflower sis wuz watig 4 da rite tim 2 attak buut che waz lik ok not yet an flyed awey._

Karkat- Why is Bluestar forcing this on Hogwarts?

_ AN duh paarty wuz grate AN hr teeph srakled, butt Kawaiiflower neew sumting wron, sho shee floo 2 dumblydoor's offish. and der she founded, tklaking too him..._

_FRUD!_

Shepard- So Fred got in trouble. So? What's new?

_'hey frud' winded kwiflower. sHe smuled nd wuz firty._

Karkat- Rargh! YOU'RE A FUCKING CAT!

_ frud sturrted 2 blsuh verry muchs. 'hey kwaiwfloer do u wna go 2 da niki munij connset ta bogpeasd 2morieo?' he sex._

Shepard- I refuse to believe that was a typo.

_ 'otay' sed kawifler._

Karkat- I keep having a hard time remembering that this is a fucking neko.

_dere was kini mijan and seh sand_

_This is for my niggas that did bids_

_All uh my niggas that's doin time, for some shit that they ain't did_

Karkat- The fuck is this?! Oh god! I never knew someone could be this horrible at slam poetry!

Shepard- This is rap, right? It's awful.

_This is for my niggas that wild out_

_All uh my niggas that ride out, All my niggas that hide out_

_This is for my niggas that buy weight_

_Niggas that leave on Monday, come back on a Friday_

_This is for my niggas that get high_

Shepard- Why does it keep saying 'niggas' is this a real song? Is this a real song? Is it?

_All uh my niggas that get by, All my niggas that get fly_

_This is for my niggas that cop dutches_

_All uh my niggas throwin it up on them bikes n pop clutches_

_This is for my niggas that don't snitch_

_All uh my niggas that don't bitch, All my niggas that tore fifths_

_This is for my niggas that don't cry_

_All uh my niggas that don't smile, All my niggas that don't lie_

_This is for my niggas that take care_

_All uh dey kids order some bids, N take em to daycare_

_This is for my niggas that don't settle_

_All uh my niggas that push pedals, All my niggas with gold medals_

_This is for my niggas that play ball_

_Niggas that wanna get in the game so they niggas can cake off_

_This is for my niggas that gave up_

_All uh my niggas that's laid up And ya mind is made up_

_This is for the borough of Sean Bell (Rest In Peace)_

_All uh my niggas with strong will, All my niggas that gone kill_

_This is for my niggas than stand up_

_All uh my niggas that's gon fight All my niggas that man up (C'mon)_

_This is for my niggas with big dreams_

_All uh my niggas in sick jeans, That be spittin they sixteens_

_This is for the Tims n, This is for the Brims n_

_This is for the Trims n, This is for the rims n_

_This is for the kings n, This is for the bosses_

_This is for the blings n, Niggas in the Porches_

_This one's for Malcolm, This one's for Martin_

_Wish I coulda thanks them, Look what they started_

_This is cause I'm tired uh losin (Tired of losing)_

_Even though my music is crack, Guess I'm tired of using_

_It's like I'm tired of rappin it & I ain't even rapped yet_

_I'm Tired n I'm askin am I Ready for the rapture see_

_I'm just a little girl, Caught in a mixed up world_

Karkat- Is it finally over?

_Shoutout my girls that be callin me sista girl_

Shepard- They are all plotting to kill you. I will feed you to the Geth even though they don't eat.

_'YAYAY' evry1 scrememd. it wuz so fun! but den..._

_KWIIFLURE PASSED OUT ND HAD AN DREM!_

Karkat- Oh no! More Mary Sue!

_she dremed that she wuz in an forest. "herro'. she heared. den kawirfoer luked up! IT WUZ BUUBSTAR! _

Shepard- What is she a Dark Forest cat now?

_"the very kute froler wil sav the mogharts frum da efvil snak and storm!_

Karkat- Why is she talking to her?! WHY IS SHE BOTHERING WITH HER! BLUESTAR TALK TO FIRESTAR! NOT HER!

_den it wil die!" den buustar fadde._

Shepard- This is a disgrace to the Warriors.

_WUT DUZ IT MEEEAAAAANNNNNNN?/?!11!? KAWIIFLOWER SCREAMED._

_u like it? ploot twisrss x3 im getting prutty gud at this, rite?_

_NO FLAMMING OR ZOLOYOLOZOLOYOLO WIL PONE UHAHHHHAHAHAHA ^_^_

_Bie_

"It's finally over," Shepard sighed getting up.

Standing up and cracking their backs, the duo made their way out of the theater, tired, worn and just wanting to leave.

"I never thought I would find a story so bad that had to do with the Warrios," Shepard admitted, "Well, actually I should have seen it coming in hindsight."

Karkat shook his head as he headed towards his door, "Whatever, I just want to crawl into my recuperacoon and sleep for the next few sweeps."

Shaking her head Shepard walked to her own exit, "I hear you there."


	8. Story Six: Metal Mom

**Welcome back. This time we are doing a review over a story for a video game. **

**Thank you everyone who reviewed or reads this.**

**Special Chapter is next chapter.**

**Also, I'm curious, how did everyone who's reading this come across this fanfiction anyways? I don't think the Homestuck-Mass Effect crossover section would be ultra active but I don't know I guess. I'm just curious.**

* * *

Shepard rubbed her temples as she tried to tune out what Karkat was saying. Usually she was able to deal with him complaining and ranting, but she had enough stress for today, tomorrow she would be setting out to take Tali to her trial, and she would have to do the best she could to keep her friend from being exiled, just this morning she had to break up a catfight between Jack and Miranda. Oh and let's not forget someone on the ship apparently got an STD that is only transmuted by sex with a varren.

Joy.

Karkat was complaining about his friends on the meteor, the usual, Kanaya and Rose spending too much time together, Rose drinking, which actually worried Shepard since Rose was probably the same age as them. But maybe the drinking age is different there. Then there was his Ex-Matesprit Terezi's unhealthy Kismesistude with Gamzee, his moirail.

Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves she stared at the screen, they were told not to open the letter and that they would know when they should open it.

Shepard _wanted_ to open it now, get everything done with sooner, but she had a feeling that their Host meant that there was going to be something different this week and we'd recognize it right away.

"He's an assbitching dumbfuck asshole!" Karkat said loudly, "I never platonically hated someone as much as I hate him!"

Shepard sighed and looked at him, "Are you sure it's platonic hate you feel?" She asked him as she stretched.

He stared at her and then went back into his rage mode, "Are you serious?! I could never hate such a dumb shitspewing moron like him!" He yelled.

Putting a hand over her mouth to fight back a laugh, the Commander nodded, "Fine, fine," She gave up knowing there was no arguing. Besides he knew more about his cultures romances then she did, if it was platonic hate, than it was platonic hate.

"Ugh, when the hell can we start?" Karkat demanded.

She responded with a shrug, "We'll know I guess," She explained, "I wonder what we'll be reviewing though."

Karkat shook his head, "Better be something we can read," He said, "I'm sick of this horrible spelling."

They paused as they heard heavy, uneven footsteps.

'_tap'_

'_thunk'_

'_tap'_

'_thunk'_

"The hell?" Karkat asked as the two turned to face the doors. After a pause the footsteps stopped and the doors opened. Their curious expressions turned to grins and smiles.

"Tex!" Shepard greeted recognizing her form, her smile dropped as Tex walked into the room, allowing the two to get a good look at her, "Oh my God, what happened?" She asked.

The reason for the uneven footsteps was obvious now that they could see her, along with the steel arm they were familiar with, Tex, who had only one boot on, had a steel leg, replacing her once organic one.

Not only that but,

"Your face," Karkat said, blunt in his surprise to see her.

The left side of Tex's face had metal over it like her limbs, and a glowing red light over where her eye would have been. As she took her seat next to the two, it was easy to see the scarring around the metal.

"Tex, what happened?" Shepard asked.

There was a pregnant silence before Tex answered.

"My mission was completed," She said, "Suicide bomb, I blew up the Parasite Hive, killed everyone in it, and killed myself in the process."

Karkat leaned forward, "How..?" He left the question hang and Tex leaned back.

"My world has a species, similar to your Geth, Shepard. We call them Zelton, they are not well liked as they are hostile to most living creatures. We consider their creators as the most advanced species to live and with your Protheans, and of their technology found is studied. Zeltons are against that and attack ships that they find with their creators technology," Tex stated and looked down.

"Geth have one form, Zelton have many, the Hive fell into a planets ocean, a Zelton built for aquatic searches found me, they revived me, implanted me with their technology to keep me alive."

The two stared at her before lowering their heads.

"Shit… that must have been painful," Karkat said.

To ease up the tension, Shepard smiled and laughed, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to copy me. Soldier, killed, revived by a group that's known as the enemy," She listed.

It was a bad attempt to lighten the atmosphere but Tex smiled anyways.

"So, what did I miss?" She asked as the initial shock wore off, "How bad were the stories?"

Karkat and Shepard exchanged glances before they both answered.

"The first story was a My Little Pony story, it wasn't that bad compared to the others, just lacked any sense. Probably would have killed you," She explained.

Karkat finished up with the last story, "The one we did last week was awful, it was a Harry Potter and Warriors crossover, I would list what was wrong with it, but it might be quicker to say what wasn't wrong with it."

"I see," Tex said tilting her head as she thought of these two stories, "I guess I dodged a bullet there," She said, then grinned.

This caused the others to stare at her.

"…Did you just crack a joke?" Shepard asked.

Tex nodded, "Yeah, um, I have said jokes before, Commander Shepard," She stated and picked up a letter, "Shall we start?"

"Fuck yeah," Karkat agreed picking up his own.

**Karkat, you're doing it wrong. It's, "I AM MAN!" (punch).**

Karkat scowled, "Don't tell me how to say it!" He yelled, then looked down as he scowled at the ground, "There was nothing wrong with how I said it," He added.

"What did he say?" Tex asked.

"I am man, thank you very much," Shepard responded with a laugh, only to earn a glare from the troll who was opening his next letter.

He held it out to Shepard, "This is for both of us," He told her.

**Shepard AND Karkat like MLP? That does it. By order of the Inquisition I hereby declare Exterminatus. Hail the Emperor!**

Sighing and pinching the bridge of her nose, Shepard stared straight at the screen, "For starters, you don't have to _like_ My Little Pony to know about it," She explained. "I know of the show and characters because of a certain squadmate is constantly watching it."

Shrugging and holding out a hand for emphasis, Shepard continued talking, "I only know enough about the show to recognize the main characters, this Theater kind of gives us knowledge on the fandom we're reviewing once it starts, which I accept that you probably did not know."

"I only knew about the show because of the fucking knowledge shit being drilled into my head. I would be happy to never watch the show but it feels like I've seen every episode now," Karkat grumbled.

Shepard opened her letter next.

**For Shepard, as always. If you could bring one person from any other universe to help you fight the Reapers, who would you choose and why?**

Shepard pursed her lips as she thought about this, "This isn't a bad question. God knows that the Council won't believe a word I say about the reapers. They are so going to regret that," She mused as she thought for a minute.

"I would have to say, a fellow soldier would be great. So probably Master Chief," She said.

After a pause, she spoke again, "Though, from all these stories, I'm thinking of just saying 'screw it' with stopping the Reapers."

**What the hell are you from?**

Tex raised an eyebrow at this, "I would answer this question, but I don't really understand what it means. I'm obviously from my own world. If you want a more specific answer, I don't know what Human Colony I came from, all I know was it was a research lab," She explained.

The alien of the group just gave the letter an incredulous look, "The fuck is with that question? What? Do they think we're from some book or TV show like the things we've been reviewing?" He asked.

"You never know," Shepard said taking the last letter, "This one is for all three of us."

Have you ever been to Silent Hill? It's a lovely little resort town. You might enjoy it here. Get your mind off your troubles. Bring your friends. We welcome all with open arms. Come, stay awhile.

"Doesn't sound like that bad of an idea," Shepard mused, "If we ever get the chance to take a vacation together, we should check out this resort."

Karkat examined the letter for an address, "Why the hell didn't they give us information on where it is?" He demanded before throwing the letter to the side and opening up their letter from their Host.

_I hope you guys are happy that all three of you are together again. I am sorry for what has happened to you, Tex, but I am truly delighted that you are alive again. I send the Zelton my thanks._

"I shudder at the implications that he may actually know the Zelton's on a personal level," Tex mumbled.

Shepard shrugged, "If they're like Geth, they probably don't associate with him if he's organic," She pointed out only to receive a pitying look from the half-metal soldier.

"Zelton will cooperate with any living being so long as their goals are parallel. That is why I'm working with them and why the revived and fixed me."

_You guys are talking about the Zelton now so I'm going to sway you from that conversation._

_Today, you will be reviewing a story from a video game franchise, Portal._

_Please, enjoy._

"A video game? Finally something different from the books and movies," Karkat said as the room went dark.

_Hi, mi namm is Harmonia Yakovich Buttercat Asters,_

Karkat- What a weird ass name.

_but u can cull mi "Cat girly"._

Shepard- What a weird ass nickname.

_I have lung blonde hair lick a golden waterfall!1!_

Tex- This is going to be one of those stories where the author has to describe every little bit of personal appearance but fails at writing a plot, isn't it?

Shepard- No, they also fail at grammar and spelling.

_I have boos and a cut tail._

Karkat- I don't know if this is supposed to be 'Cute tail' or Coat tail.

_I also hive scalet is lick pools of blood._

Tex- … I don't even know what that was supposed to mean.

_I live in da Aperture Sci place in da secret wombs._

Shepard- Pfft, I didn't know the building had a womb, is GLaDOS pregnant?

_Mi father was Ratmany!122_

Karkat- Oh god NO!

Tex- At least it wasn't Cave Johnson or Caroline.

Shepard- You got to admit though, Ratman has some creative naming skills.

_But he done died. When de girl Cell escaped._

Shepard- Cell is from DragonBall, Chell is from Portal.

_Now GLasos has fund mi and I'm trying to run from her rite no._

Karkat- And you will fail, no one can escape except for Chell, and she didn't escape, GLaDOS let her go. LET HER GO.

Shepard- Is this in the first game or second game? Because the first game Chell didn't escape and the giant robot overlord was killed.

Tex- Since the giant robot overlord is alive, we should assume it's the second game.

_I have lazer eyes because I dunnop why. I juts dop._

Karkat- Fuck.

Shepard- No.

_"I Wile GET V STUPPID GURL!" She tells; at me ash I am running frum her mashy plutes; _

Karkat- It shouldn't be hard to understand what GLaDOS would say you bulgebiting idiot!

_"No YOP WON'T! Burn! Loll" I sed. Then I use patrol on ceiling with my portel gun and fill behind her._

Tex- The portal gun fell behind her or she put a portal behind her?

_"No!" She yolled. "UN must listen too mesh!"_

Shepard- Yeah! Listen to Giant Robot Overlord and die!

_"Why shoulde I lusty to you?" I asked beautifully,_

Tex- Oh dear lord, this is one of _those_ stories isn't it.

_because I'm hot and have bobs._

Shepard- You have Bobs? So? I have breasts so ha!

_"Baecaus I no who YAH MAMA IS!"_

Karkat- Yeah! She knows who yo mama is, bitch!

Shepard- Oh God that sounded like GLaDOS was a gangsta.

_I stooped. "Who is she?'_

_"She was…..A TURRET!W 12!"_

Tex- …Her mom was a robot that has no organic functions to even attempt at giving birth to a human child?

Tex- This… This is stupid.

_I gospeled. I nearly drooped my poral gunner!11!_

_"Imkimpossible (Lol, liked Kim Possible?)!"_

Shepard- Thank you for ruining a childhood hero of mine.

_"It ish treed!" Glasods nodded with a poker force._

Karkat- She always has a poker face because SHES A FUCKING ROBOT!

_"Butt she went to Chinnea."_

Shepard- Are you seriously going to believe her that a TURRET is your mom?

Tex- It's impossible! It's like a Geth giving birth to a Krogan! A Zelton giving birth to a Nhijedis, A robot giving birth to a human! ITS NOT POSSIBLE!

Karkat- I don't know what any of those are but a Human.

_"What dies have to do whith mash? Tell mah now!" I fettered my eyelished._

Karkat- Are Eyelished's a human body part?

Tex- There are no records of any species I know of in possession of eyelished

Shepard- I know what has them. The species of MarySues.

_"Beaus U NED TO RESCUE HER!"_

Karkat- Fuck you, get Chell to save her, she's more competent and she's a silent raving lunatic!

_(DAt was a plot twist!_

Shepard- I think you are incapable of understanding what a plot twist is.

_What will happened to Harmonia? _

Karkat- Next Time on: Destroying The Portal Fandom; Space Core and Wheatley are knocked back into Earths atmosphere and crash into the main Mary Sue of the story, killing her. Thankfully, Wheatley and Space Core are all right.

_Find out next time?!11 And dat was just da prologue,_

Shepard- You do know that a lot of times, prologues are just used for useless exposition. Very few Authors can make it work.

_sue it waz short LOL)_

Karkat- If I hear LOL one fucking more time, I am going to go off the deep end like I have a squirrel in my god tier pants that I stole from Dave!

_(Hi guys Im spry dat dis is late._

Shepard- No one gives a fuck.

_I lost meh first druft LOL. _

Tex- I think you don't understand what a First Draft is, you are supposed to go over it, fix spelling and so on.

_And wet is a trullfic? _

Karkat- You know it's a fucking troll when they deny knowing what a Trollfic is.

_Can u call it a faieefic instead?_

Shepard- It's called a Trollfic because IT'S A TROLL STORY! YOU IDIOT!

_Dat would be nice.)_

Tex- To be blunt, no one wants to be nice to you after writing this.

_"But how can I rescue heer? From China?" I ask jumopfing up and down._

Shepard- You know, I always thought Portal 2 Took place in a sort of post-apocalyptic setting, never was confirmed but that was always what I thought.

_"I will give u a SPACESHIPPIN!" Gladoss scremed,_

Tex- This is not GLaDOS. This is GLaDOS with the Intelligence Dampening Core on.

_jumping with mah._

Shepard- How can she jump? Do you know what GLaDOS looks like?

_Glaods sung Call Mee Manly by Curly Ray Jun_

Karkat- Why does she sing? WHY!?

_(I Luv dat song!# 111~~) _

Shepard- No one gives a fuck.

_and tHE SPACESHIPPE Appeared._

Tex- GLaDOS must be going through testing withdrawal, this must be a new test. It has to be. It is the only logical conclusion.

Shepard- You've been gone to long Tex, there is no logic, remember?

_I knew it was a space ship because it said Spaceship on da side._

Karkat- That's like writing Car on the side of a fucking car!

_I want in._

_I looked around to see a lot of buttns. And also..._

Shepard- These stories suck at suspense.

_"COMPANIUN COOB!" I yell runnin over to him. "Where did u go?"_

Tex- The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak.

Shepard- That was pretty good imitation of GLaDOS.

_"I'm sry I cold nut stare at u, Harmonia," He sed. "I wuz surfing in Haiti."_

Karkat- It's a cube. It's talking.

Shepard- Proof that she's insane.

_"Oh, dat's nice!1111112? 1" I told back happily. "Now have to go on adventures! 1!"_

_I pushed a big red button, I newt to press it, cuz it said, "Guru to Chineea" on it._

Tex- This is proof that this idiot does not know how a ship works.

_The spaceship went BOOOOOOMMMMMMM!1 And it took uff our clothes at ad speed of smell!_

Shepard- It took off their clothes at the speed of smell? What?

Tex- That….is just sad.

_It was lik in ad movie Captqain England!_

Shepard- You mean Captain America? Or that Marvel Comic book hero Captain Britain?

_"Yay I lug gong to China!" Sed a voce behind us. I looked around to see..._

Karkat- Wheatley_?_

_CHIMNA CORE!1111!_

Tex- And this person does not understand the function of Cores. This is obviously a very corrupt core.

_"CHINA Cur!" I sed. "How u get here?'_

_"I dunno." Da core sed. It was red, but nut communist._

Tex- Technically, China is still considered a Communist state, if I remember correctly.

_"Well, u can be our guid!"_

Shepard- You are trusting a corrupted core as your guide. Idiot.

_"OK!" It seed, agreeing with meh._

_"Were here," Companion sed._

_"Yay!"_

Tex- This… I was revived after being killed and this is what I have to come back to. Screw this, I'm doing another suicide bombing and this time they won't have anything left of me to use to revive.

Shepard- Isn't that a little extreme?

Tex- You're right…sorry. That was inappropriate of me.

_(I hop dat was exciting 4 u._

Karkat- It wasn't exciting at all.

_Da next choppy is about Harmonia in China. What will happen? Find out spoon!)_

Shepard- Find out spoon?

_(Oh, and I forgut, I wood lick to thank my boyfriend, Brendo, 4 editing. Thx!)_

Karkat- He can't edit that great than.

_We got off the spaceship tosee a lute of Chinese peole strain at us. _

Shepard- Look! It's maniac aliens! _KILL THEM!_

Karkat- That's Racist!

Tex- He's right, not all aliens are maniacs, Shepard.

Shepard- I know, I know.

_Thay wore Chinese cloth. That was pink and sparkle._

Tex- So all Chinese people wear pink sparkling clothes? I don't belive that.

_Dey also had a flog a on them._

Karkat- So? I have the cancer symbol on my clothes.

_Joe of da crude members came to us and danced, sining "Sheng shong communist shong song!111!"_

Shepard- I find that a little racist and stereotyping.

_Dey clopped when he waz Finnish and came forward with jewels 4 us, cause we were special, apearantlee._

Tex- This is all stereotypes. Poor stereotypes.

_"I dun want yer jewelries!111" I sed._

Karkat- What a jerk! Just accept it, it's being polite!

_They bowed restpecfullee and stooped bawk._

Shepard- I know they hold respect a bit higher in the Eastern side of the world than Western, but this is just bad.

_"Tell mah where my mum is!"_

_"Oak!" A girl sed, (Kelsey, dies is 4 u!) _

Karkat- Friend Insert. Great!

_stepping forward. She waz smart aqnd came from AntacTICA!_

Tex- People live in Antarctica, but it's not a country like what you're thinking. There aren't Antarcticans or anything like that.

_"Me nam is Astrid!" She said happily._

Shepard- She isn't Chinese! Send her to the dungeon for being different!

_She had cut pink hair and silver and golden is. She smells lick pumpcin penguins_

Karkat- Pumpkin Penguins? The fuck?

_. She was cull, but nut as cull ash me, LOL. _

Tex- I'm going to kill you in your sleep, Lol.

_"I can control fire, cause, im a fire bender!11"_

Shepard- Since when was this Avatar?

_"Cull!" I seed. "New tack us to my mum! Shez a turret1"_

Shepard- Is anyone going to question how the hell her mom is a turret?

_"Sur!" She seed too. "All u have to so be clop 3 tims and spin around! I'll do it with u, Haronia."_

Karkat- This is like a sad version of Simon Says!

_We did watt she sed._

_Sudden lee, I felt al werd and scuff afterwards, and den I openened meh eyes._

Tex- Why were your eyes closed in the first place?

_WE were in dino age!_

Tex- Which 'Dino' age? There was three of them.

Shepard- Any bets on how badly she fucks up the dinosaur timeline?

_And Buddy was on ad dinosaur tren! It made a sound._

_"ChEW CHEW!" It sed._

Karkat- What? Those dinosaurs had freaking trains?!

Shepard- They didn't.

_"Why died u doo dis?" I ask._

_"Oops," She seed with a derp face._

Tex- This entire story is a derp face.

_'It was four times, not tree!"_

Karkat- This girl is a retard.

_"Lol," I seed, blinking mah red and silver eyes. I did it again; only dis time I clapped four times._

Shepard- Yawn.

_WE were nu in rum. It waz all dark and stuff._

_And den I saw two men. Dey was...COMUISTS!111!_

Shepard- Wait so Communists are evil now? What is this? The 50's? Somewhere in the Cold War period?

_And dye had mum loocked up!_

Tex-…

Tex- You're 'mom' is a robot that likes to shoot any living thing that moves. How do they have her locked up and aren't dead?

_(Dat was exiting, wasn't it: D?)_

Karkat- That was pathetic.

_(oy, im surry it waz lat. Brend waz ben a jork!)_

Shepard- No one cares.

_I gosped. My hare was swining._

Tex- How does a rabbit 'swin'?

_Dey had Mum! 'Oh noes111!1_

Karkat- Your mom is a fucking turret, you grubfisted crotchstained pustule sucker!

_"oh yah11!" Da combusts sed, having pink whips dat said Koles on item._

Shepard- The fuck?

_The has blod on dem!111111111113_

_"dauter~" Mum tyelled._

Tex- This is just messed up.

_Sh waz a sparkly aqua turret WIF SPARKES1!1!_

Shepard- Thank you Department of Redundancy, because saying 'sparkly aqua turret' did not mean that it had sparkles.

_"Yo GUz ar mean!" I yolled at da communists. "Yu r doo doo heads!1111!1"_

Tex- That is your best insult? Karkat.

Karkat- well, let's start out blunt, you globetickling, nookscratching doucheshit. You are a nookfucking, thinkpanless son of a flying shit.

Tex- Thank you.

_"AH WE DON LICK DOSE WORDS!11" Dey sceamed, runnin out da door._

Tex- Weak.

_I Pixed mum up._

_"Hi, Mum!" I sed._

_"LOL," She sed back._

Shepard- Is that seriously a good response to 'hi mom'?

_"But we ned to dun awaynow. Dell be back wITH guns!1"_

_"butt I hive lazer eyes!" I sed, giving her a lock._

Tex- Your mom is a fucking turret. She has guns built in!

Karkat- Has this goddamn vapid shitwad ever play the games?

_"Gooood!1" She screemed back. "But dey have an evan worse weapon!"_

Shepard- Seriously, nothing can compare to the hell of Testing. Nothing. What is their weapon? Chell?

_I cirled my hed arund. Den I sed what is it_

_"dey hav...yur TWINE SISTAH!"_

Karkat- Oh god! No! Just no!

Tex- One was bad enough!

_I gospled._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~``221```_

_"I hive a twin sis?' I askd. I was shockled._

_"yope," She sed._

Shepard- I… I am starting to regret stopping Saren.

_"hoo iz sha?" I asked._

_"Her..._

_name..._

_iz..._

_"_

Tex- This suspense is awful. A good suspense would be like this;

Tex- "Her name is-"

Tex- Cut off the name and have it be the first thing next chapter!

_I hold mah breth._

_"Miszzzzzzzzzz..."_

_"AOSTRID!"_

Karkat- At least they didn't bring in a new OC. Or worse, make it Chell.

_Chinea care, companon coob, and I gasped._

_Den I locked arund confusedly._

_Pear waz Astrod?_

Shepard- She left you a letter saying 'screw this shit. I'm living with the Dinosaurs'.

Karkat- Smart choice.

The lights went back on and they let out sighs of relief of it being done.

"That was just, pathetic," Tex said, shaking her head.

Karkat got out from the seats and threw his hands in the air, "That story was an insipid fuckup."

Shepard was in deep thought as she left, "Guys, if we hate it so much, and we hate it, we really hate being here, why do we keep coming back?" She asked them.

The two stared at her, eyes widening a little in realization.

"Oh God," Karkat said hand to his head, "Oh this is just perfect! Fucking perfect!"

Tex shook her head, "I should… I should ask the Tech to run a scan over my brain. Try to see if there's anything we can do to fix this," She whispered.

They stared at anything but each other, none of them were willing to admit or face the truth.

"I should, I should go," Shepard decided as she started walking, "Have a good day you guys, don't die. That goes double for you, Tex."

They waved her goodbye before going their own separate ways.

* * *

**Next chapter will be the first Special Chapter, stay tuned. Thank you for reading, thank you for reviewing. Keep on reading. Don't have to review but they are appreciated. Let's me know what you guys like about this or don't like.**

**Question for everyone, Karkat's insults, do they sound more like him as of recently? Or do I still have a lot of work to do on his insults?**


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